The Opposite Effect
by staceleo
Summary: Bella Swan didn't believe that opposites attract, until Edward Cullen and his awful hair came into her orbit. A comedy about finding love in the most unlikely of places.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: A dear friend wanted a Mulletward, so this story is for Kni Nut and all of my silly friends.**

**Enjoy.**

The Opposite Effect

Chapter 1

Her name was Vicki.

I glared at the ear punch and imagined using it on James's head. The wooden stool I found myself perched on was uncomfortable and it made my foul mood borderline murderous.

"You wanna sanitize the counter?" Alice Cullen asked me as she chomped on her gum. The girl was like a cow chewing on its cud the way she was going to town on her Bubble Yum.

I turned my glare onto her instead. She was admiring herself in the tiny mirror we used to show the customers their new earrings. Immediately shoving a mirror into their faces seemed to appease them after the momentary pain the piercing caused. I had learned a small amount of facts from this poor excuse of employment. The most apparent one was that the people who came to get their ears pierced at a mall kiosk were a big group of wimps. I should start taking notes about this so when I start working on my Doctorate in Psychology, I will have some concrete evidence to support my thesis.

I wiped the counters with a spray bottle and a wad of paper towels. Bleach filled the air as I squirted it all over the counter. The overhead speakers started blasting Michael Bolton. I felt my ears bleeding and it only got worse.

"Is it true that you married some guy?" Alice asked in between her chomping.

I looked at the girl with her chopped hair and bright red lipstick. She would be considered cute if her tight tank top and acid wash jean weren't an ode to a Metallica music video. It also didn't help that her personality was reminiscent of a yapping poodle.

I ignored her and kept cleaning.

"Everybody is saying that's why you moved in with your dad. That he left you or something like that." She started swaying to Bolton and I tried not to squirt her in the eyes with bleach.

"Do you see a ring?" I countered. There was one, but it was hanging on a chain around my neck and was hidden under my blouse. Obviously, I was a glutton for punishment. I should have sold it at a pawnshop as soon as I signed the divorce papers.

"Fine. Divorced then." She raised an eyebrow. "What happened? Was it a case of growing apart? Was he a monster? Did he cheat on you? Beat you?"

I was stuck working with a nosy gossip. I was in a florescent lighting hell that smelled like cleaning solution and stinky armpits. The soundtrack of this devil's hideaway was pop favorites from the eighties and nineties that was now the chortling of Whitney Houston wanting to dance with somebody. Eric Yorkie was staring at me from the entrance of the Hot Topic with his eye liner and leering grin. The mesh shirt he wore was about three sizes to small on his muscleless torso. I was surprising myself by not running screaming to the exit.

"It just didn't work out," I replied to the hair band groupie.

James cheated. Alice didn't need to be privy to that information.

_Our apartment was about four blocks from campus in a building that was where most of the grad students would congregate for housing. It was a comfortable little place to come home to where I could cook ramen noodles and watch talk shows in-between waiting for my acceptance into the doctorate program. I should have been excited about receiving my Master's, but instead I regarded it only as a stepping stone for something bigger. _

_James came in with rosy cheeks from the long trek up the staircase and held a bag of take-out from the local Chinese restaurant. I still found him handsome with his bright blue eyes hidden under dark frames and pale blond hair always in place, but things had been strained lately. I watched as he took off his tweed jacket and placed it on the hook. There was a place for everything and everything had to be in its place._

_We got married too soon. We were only students when we wed and not truly citizens of the world. It was the worst decision I could have ever made. I was still desperately in love with him, but I didn't really know who he was. Who I was really was. _

"_I grabbed some food," he stated. He didn't look at me, instead he pushed the piles of papers off the unused kitchen table and unpacked the small boxes of assorted dishes from the bag. "I thought we could eat at the table tonight. Talk."_

_This broke up our normal routine of dinner on the couch and watching the evening news, followed by brushing our teeth next to each other, and perhaps languid lovemaking if we weren't too sleepy._

_This was a no good turn of events._

"_Egg roll?" He asked as I sat down. _

_I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and watched as he played with his fingers. I ignored his question and instead I asked, "What is this about, Jamie?"_

"_I guess it's best not to beat around the bush, Bella." He tugged on the sleeves of his sweater I had gotten him for Christmas as a joke. It was covered in reindeer and I was always curious why he wore it so much. It was far too warm for a sweater, but it seemed to be what he wore when he had something serious on his mind. Boy, it was hideous. "I love you. I really do—"_

"_There's a but."_

_He looked guilty and I clutched my chopsticks tighter. A single tear coursed down his cheek. "I met someone."_

_His tear was a lie. I broke one of the chopsticks in half._

"_I meet lots of people, Jamie. It better be an old man playing chess at the student center that inspired you to write a poem about chess and the elderly." I grabbed an egg roll and began to stab it with the stick._

"_It was a girl." He gave me big, sad eyes like a dog that pissed on the floor. "I didn't mean for it to happen."_

_Like hell he didn't. I was going to shove the egg roll down his throat. _

"_Did you have sex with her?"_

"_That is beside the point," He stated looking trapped._

_I waved the chopstick towards his face. Forget choking, I was going to impale him in the eye with the Chinese utensil. _

"_Was it a student?" It wouldn't have surprised me in the least. He was a teacher's assistant in the literature department that was full of young undergrads eager to land themselves a husband. I knew the type, because once upon a time I flirted with that myself._

"_I met Vicki at Robert's bachelor party," He explained looking sheepish. "It wasn't planned."_

_I stared at him. "She was at the gallery opening?"_

"_Umm . . . We skipped that." He looked at the ceiling. "We ended up at a club. She's a dancer, you see. Quite talented."_

"_She's a stripper," I prompted. _

"_I would perhaps call her an exotic performer." He pushed his glasses up his nose. "I think you'd really like her. She's got a luminescent personality."_

_He wanted me to kill him. That was the only explanation. _

"_James, I need you to leave. Leave right now." I looked down at my hands. _

_He stupidly spoke instead of running out of the apartment. "I have divorce papers in my messenger bag. We should probably—"_

"_I'm going to kill you."_

"_I should go." He stood and backed away quickly._

"_Best idea that I've heard all night."_

The next couple of days I had packed up my things and ended up in my father's small house with no job and limited finances. I did, however, destroy all James's clothes with bleach and took a hammer to his jazz record collection. There was bittersweet satisfaction, but it didn't help matters in the long run. I was divorced, stuck in this horrible job, and I had to watch baseball every night with my dad. I must have done something terrible in my youth, because karma was punching me in the gut.

"You wanna do this one?" Alice's voice jolted me out of my reminiscing about my doomed marriage. "You need the practice."

I looked up to see a buxom woman who's golden hair was twisted into a haphazard ponytail and there was ketchup stains on her white tee-shirt. In her arms she carried a wiggling baby, that was wailing as snot ran down her small face.

"Hey Al, can you fit Emma in?" The woman inquired tiredly.

Alice looked away from the mirror she was staring at herself in again. That girl was obsessed with her reflection. "Bella will be doing it, Rosie."

The woman sat on the stool and attempted to soothe her child. I looked at them both in a panic and said, "I don't think your daughter is interested in piercing."

"She'll be fine." She bounced the baby on her knee. "My mother-in-law gave us a coupon. I need to use it before it expires."

"That's a baby." Why would she punish a small child like this? I was an adult and I still didn't have my ears pierced. I wouldn't be working here if there was another opening somewhere else. This excludes Hot Topic, because Eric Yorkie did offer me a position to stock the shelves with the various assortment of gag gifts and borderline offensive sexual products. Having him ogling me all day would be horrific.

"I hadn't noticed," the mother deadpanned.

"I shouldn't be doing this, Alice!" My hand was already shaking.

She didn't even look at me. "You're cool. Right, Rosie?"

"I'm not sure, Al. She looks like she's going to faint." This Rosie woman looked at me nervously.

I wanted to prove I could at least make piercing work out, unlike my marriage. Approaching the child slowly, I tried to take my pen to make a single mark. Instead, I made the baby's ears look like she came down with a magenta polka dot disease.

The mother looked at Alice in fear. "Alice . . ."

"I can do this." I tried to sound brave as I place the piercing gun near the baby's ear. The child started screaming louder.

"Who is this pretty girl, Al?" I glanced up to see green eyes staring at me. The voice was attached to a good looking face with short red hair that stuck up wildly. Unfortunately, there was a puff of long hair attached to the back like the barber had missed a giant spot.

In my distraction, I shot my finger with the gun. A diamond stud pierced me in my thumb. "Mother fucker!"

"Watch your potty mouth around my baby!" The mother jumped up and said to Alice, "I'll come back when this accident isn't working."

I just cried, because diamond studs in the finger hurt.

The mysterious mullet wearing stranger grabbed my finger and pulled out the earring with a quick tug. I screamed, "Fuckety, fuck fuck!"

"I like your dirty mouth." He said this fact nonchalantly as if was an observation like commenting on the state of the weather. He inspected my wound and I tried to pull away, but his grip was strong. He glanced at Alice and demanded, "I need the first aid kit, sis."

It was her brother. This shouldn't have surprised me in the least.

"You can't boss me around at work, Edward!" My co-worker puffed herself up like an irate peacock, but still managed to pull out the white plastic box that contained a random assortment of bandages, sanitizing wipes and a tube of Neosporian. She muttered, "Now I have to write up a damn accident report."

He ignored her and set to repair my finger. "You might need a tetanus shot."

"The earring was just taken out of his sealed package. I'm sure I'm fine." I found myself staring at his nose. It reminded me of the paintings I study in art history of Renaissance royalty with there aristocratic profiles though his was slightly crooked as if someone punched him. "I need to go back to work."

I watched as he wrapped a band-aid around my finger and looked at it with a smirk. He said with a grin, "It needs one final touch."

Taking a black sharpie, he drew a smiley face on it.

"Umm . . . Thanks?" I was trying to figure out this strangely charismatic weirdo.

"I'll see you around, Bella." He hopped up gave me a wink. "Mom wants you to come to dinner on Friday, Alice."

How did he know my name?

"Go fall off a cliff." Alice was gazing at herself in the mirror again and I watched her brother walk away. That tuft of hair seemed to sway as he headed towards the food court. The eighties wanted its hairstyle back, but I found the way it curled to be mesmerizing like staring at a car accident.

Alice continued talking, "I miss my long hair."

"Oh." She could chop off that mess in back of her brother's head and make a wig.

"It was the lice. I had to cut it off."

"Oh." My head began to feel itchy.

That was when Eric Yorkie came rushing over with a tissue pressed to his nose. It was bleeding. "Hey, new girl, I'm having trouble with my piercing. Can you fix it?"

There was no way that this day could get any worse.

XXXXXX

Three hours it did, because Alice's brother was leaning on the hunk of junk of a pickup truck that my father was lending me.

I had parked under a street light for safety's sake and was taken by the image of the man wearing his jean jacket paired with ripped jean combination. Oddly, he could somewhat pull it off. I will admit that I was no fashionista and had an unnatural fondness for oversized, woolen cardigans, but his look was a flashback that rivaled his sister's. I wondered if this was because of chemicals in the water supply. I think I need to stop drinking from the tap.

"What ya doin'?" I slowly approached him slowly, because I was new in town and he had a mullet. There were serial killer possibilities in this interaction. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and held them like the instructor told me to from that defensive fight class I took in high school. I was certain I could at least jab him in the eye or at least the forehead so I could make a run for it.

"I didn't introduce myself," he explained with a small smile. "It's Edward Cullen."

"Your sister gave me heads up." She did that after pointing out that she believed he was the lice carrier that infected her. My scalp was still itchy at the thought.

"Right. I guess she would have done that." He started scratching the back of his head. I bet lice would love to live in all that extra hair. "I wanted to try something."

The attractive, badly dressed man was going to murder me. I took two steps back and he took two steps forward.

"I need to get home."

"You need to be properly kissed. I can't stop thinking about it." He took my face in his hands and pressed his mouth to mine.

I was going to knee him in the groin. I really, truly was. That was the plan, but instead he tasted like peppermint and it was enough to make me attack his mouth with my own. I could blame the divorce, but truthfully I was horny and he kissed like a champ.

I felt his hands go to my hips, fingers dipping in my jeans to touch my bare skin. He lifted me up onto the hood of my truck and let his travel up and down my body as his lips started to suck on the base of my neck. I felt wanton, out of control, and like the objectified female in a heavy metal music video. Edward Cullen certainly fit the part of the male lead.

I didn't know how many minutes actually were making out, but it felt like hours.

His rough palm grasped my breasts, while the other hand fumbled with my jeans. I froze. We were going to have sex on a car, outdoors, and in a mall parking lot. I was not that girl. I made love in a bed with classical music playing softly in the background, and it was almost always missionary position. James was dependable that way. Changing things up was not for a girl like me.

Pushing on his chest, I sat up heaving. "I don't do things like this!"

"You really should, baby, because you're excellent at it." His eyes were bright and staring at my mouth. "Give me some more."

His lips went back towards mine and I stopped them with my palm. He licked it. I pulled my hand away. "Listen, I don't have sex on the hood of a car in public with a person I don't know!"

"I'm Edward and you're Bella. We know each other now. I wasn't planning on sex with you tonight," he stated brushing a stray hair from my face. "We can plan on trying this in the future. You could be quite the rebel."

"There's no future rebelling with you, mister!" I pushed him away and hopped off the truck. "I will be leaving now."

"I'll see you later, baby." He gave another wink and headed towards a black Mustang.

I stared as he peeled away in his loud muscle car, as the music blared. What the hell did I just do?

XXXXXX

My earlier question was answered clearly as I stared in the mirror at the hickey that colored my neck.

I was like a teenager that was marked by an overeager boy after the high school homecoming dance.

Before my shower, I hadn't noticed the mark. I was too intent on washing that man right out of my hair like the heroine in _South Pacific_. Now standing in front of the mirror with my hair dripping down my back, my lapse in judgement was taunting me as an ugly bruise that I would have to hide wearing scarves and turtlenecks.

Tightening my towel around my chest I walked towards the my old bed. It still had the purple, floral bedspread that my father purchased for my random visits to his home during the summer. The Pearl Jam and Nirvana posters still hung on the walls with scotch tape. It was as if I never grew up.

All of a sudden a noticed a light turn in the house next door. My bedroom window faced what used to be old Mrs. Cope's sewing room. She had passed away a few years ago and my dad never told me that the house had a new family that moved in. I went over to close my curtains, when I saw a wet Edward staring at me. He had lost the denim jacket and tee-shirt and was wearing only a ratty, blue towel around his waist.

He held up finger to make we wait and moved to hastily write something. He held up a drawn heart on a piece of newspaper and cheekily blew a kiss.

My eyes widened and as I lifted my arms to close the drapes, my towel dropped to the floor.

Edward's eyes darkened and I let out a scream, falling to the floor.

Hell had another name and it was Forks, Washington and I was now certain that the devil was one Edward Cullen.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I think I love these two idiots and I adore all of you that are willing to laugh at them with me.**

**Thank you and enjoy. **

Chapter 2

There was no deep sleep to be had that last night.

I had tossed and turned. The memories of being watched by Edward while I was naked turned to nightmares of gigantic lice crawling through that mullet of his as he talked about acid wash denim. I was still naked in these dreams and trying to attack his head with organic cleaners. It was horrible. It was terrifying. It was exactly what I deserved after making out with the man on the top of the truck.

"I am a common trollop," I said to my sleep deprived reflection. My reflection looked at me with condescending, bloodshot eyes. My reflection was a bitch.

The only thing that could possibly salvage this day would be a large, steaming cup of java. It needed to be piping hot and its sweet elixir full of high octane caffeine. I would hook that stuff to a continuous IV drip to deposit it right into my bloodstream if I could. Unfortunately, I would have to settle for doing it the old fashioned way.

"Dad, you have the coffee on?" I rushed down the stairs quickly the sound of my feet echoing through the house.

"Girl, you sound like a herd of damn buffalo! Slow it down." My father stood in the doorway of the kitchen. "I need to talk to you about closing your curtains at night."

I skidded to a stop almost crashing into my dad.

"What?" That's when I noticed the beer he was holding in his hand. "Dad, why do you have a beer? It's only nine!"

"You want one, Miss Bella?" A voice called from the kitchen. It was the voice from my nightmares.

Slowly, I pushed past my father to find Edward sitting at the kitchen table drinking a Budweiser and eating a plate of fried eggs. He was sitting in a sunbeam that came in from the kitchen window. The whole room was bright as the light reflected from the yellow walls and made Señor Mullet glow like he was sitting in a spotlight. I hated to admit he was somewhat good-looking in the plaid shirt he wore, luckily for my libido, he had the personality of a mosquito. It seemed no matter how much I swatted him, that man kept coming back. His tenacity was obnoxious.

"I think you should leave," I stated, as I tightened my robe. It was old, pink, and fluffy which should have stopped him from looking at me like I was piece of meat. It didn't. He must be having flashbacks from last night. I personally was trying to forget the whole thing.

"Have some eggs with us, Bella," My dad suggested as he sat across from Edward. They looked like lumberjack twins. "Edward joins me for breakfast often."

Of course, he does. This must be their idea of brunch and instead of Bloody Mary's they go with the brewskis.

There were only two chairs at the table and Edward patted his lap. "There's plenty of room right here."

My father laughed loudly. "Isn't he hilarious, Bella!"

Sure, just like if we all came down plague.

"Don't either of you have work today?" I stomped over to the coffee pot. Of course, it was empty.

"When its done, give me a cup, sugar." Edward held up an empty mug at me. "I like it light and sweet, just like you."

I was going to smash the mug over his head and then take my father over to a psychiatric hospital to get him committed. He must have lost his damn mind the way he was chuckling over Edward's every word. I think he had a man crush on the mullet.

"No." I tried to remember what they taught me at yoga. Deep breaths and thinking about relaxing calm breezes and ocean views. I could only see bare chested Edward clad only in a towel. I sucked at yoga.

"You have to work today, kiddo?" My dad asked before taking a bite of eggs.

"Unfortunately." I tried to tune them out as I put coffee grounds into a filter.

My dad decided to keep talking about me. Couldn't he see I was trying to pretend they didn't exist? "I think she should be a teacher. Work with those babies in the kindergarten."

I hated children with their snotty noses and need to whine. It was still probability a better gig than working with Alice.

"I applied, Dad," I pointed out for the fiftieth time. "There's no openings at the moment. I'm out of here when I get my acceptance letter anyway."

"You already leaving, Bella?" Edward dropped his fork. His face serious. "We were just getting to be pals."

Nope, we weren't.

Dad grabbed a piece of toast. "My kid wants to become a fake doctor. All she wants to do is go to school and to marry assholes. Don't people want to finish school? It was that jackass's fault putting ideas into her head. He saddled her with student loans and he hurt my little girl. Can you imagine what I thought when she called me from Vegas? Devastated, Edward, that was what I was! She should just stay here. Meet a nice boy, give me grand babies—"

I had never heard my dad talk so much. My dad didn't even say this much when I called him from The Littlest Wedding Chapel. There was just a serious of grunts and grumbles when I told him about the wedding being done in a drive through. I was certain he would be impressed by my frugality.

Maybe it was Edward making Dad so verbose. It was as if Edward was his priest. Dad was just confessing all feelings. Maybe it was their joint love of plaid shirts.

"Drop it, Dad." I turned to watch the brown liquid drip into the pot. The sooner its done, the sooner I can escape.

I'd heard shades this song and dance before. Dad was proud of the first degree I received, but was increasingly critical of my continuing educational pursuits. He was fairly certain that I was avoiding living my life. I was fairly certain I was enriching my future through study. We were at impasse. Dad's feelings concerning James, however, were ones that I could now see some logic.

"I think going to college is a good thing, Charlie. I think would have liked it," Edward interjected, giving me a smile. "My dad would have loved to be a doctor. That's why he's a midwife."

I did a double take on that admission.

"Carl is one of the best." My dad nodded. "I think you should learn to be a midwife, Bella! Wouldn't that be fun?"

My own father didn't know me at all.

I pulled the unfinished pot out and headed out of the room. "I think I'm taking this coffee pot to my room. Get ready for work."

"Kid, you taking the whole thing?" My dad watched me with a mix of confusion and worry. "How about giving your old Dad a bit of that?"

"Enjoy your beer, father."

Edward chimed in, "I have to go to the mall today. I'm coming to visit you."

"Don't bother." We'll probably ended up kissing in the food court by the Burger King, because I have no will power and am obviously losing my mind.

"I think she has a crush on you, Edward!" My dad said in the loudest whisper ever.

Kill me now.

XXXXXX

"I brought you a present!" Eric Yorkie, thick eyeliner making him blink furiously, was leaning over the counter in a black leather shirt that was decorated in silver spikes. It wasn't much better than the mesh shirt except thankfully it covered his nipples.

"Alice, Eric Yorkie brought you a gift." I decided to try wishful thinking. Better her than me.

"Oh no, Isabella Swan! I have brought you the finest chocolates for your enjoyment!" He shoved a heart shaped box in my face. "Happy Valentine's Day, Bella!"

It was seventy percent off from the pharmacy on the first level. He left the sale sticker on. It was also May.

"I'm not a fan of chocolate." I shoved it back at him.

"All girls love chocolate," he exclaimed, pushing it back to me. "Take it."

I shoved it harder. "I'm sure some other girl would love it."

No girl I could think of, but supposedly there's someone for everybody.

"You're the girl I want to have it!" Eric exclaimed as the box hit me hard in the eye.

"You blinded me!"

Tears dripped out of both eyes, but the right one was painful. I clasped my hand over it. With my one functional eye, I saw the candy carnage surrounding me. The chocolate candies must have fell out of the box landing all over the counter and floor after attacking my face.

"Ouch, Bella, that must have hurt. You sure are clumsy," Alice stated. There was a squishing noise. "Nasty! I stepped on a caramel filled one!"

That was the only remotely funny thing to occur in this situation. To be perfectly honest, I deserved combat pay to work at this place.

"It's because I'm Asian." Eric was pouting.

Squinting at him, I couldn't figure out what nonsense he was spouting. "What's your problem?"

"You won't except my candy and won't date me because I'm Asian," he whined. No, it was because he wore shirts that looked like they were stolen off an apocalyptic movie set.

I really would be better off if I got the teaching position. I was surrounded by giant babies here and I'm certain actual children were probably better behaved.

"I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. I just got out of a relationship and I need to heal." I used all the lines I could think of to get him to stop fixating on me. Unfortunately, for me, he looked so sad. "Would you feel better if I pierce your ear again?"

There was hardly any room left on his ear. I would have to squeeze it in between a skull and a pirate hoop earring. There was no way this guy would get through a metal detector with all of his piercings.

"Bella, if he picks a diamond stud, you'll be out a hundred bucks!" Alice whispered.

I fixed my offer quickly. "You'll have to pay for the earring!"

"Oh. I guess that would be cool," he agreed sadly. "Since you won't be my girl, I guess that will do."

"She's going to be too busy being my . . . What the hell happened to your eye, baby?" Oh joy. It was my stalker that had magically stepped out of a Bon Jovi video.

"Don't call me 'baby'," I complained. He grabbed my face and pulled me practically over the counter. "Boundaries, buckaroo!"

He pushed my hair away from my face. "This is going to bruise. Jasper, could you go get her some ice from the Pretzel place. I'm sure Alice doesn't have an ice pack."

"Hey!" His sister protested, but added, "I did have one last year."

I thought I saw out of my limited vision, a blond mullet retreating toward's Auntie Ann's Pretzels with his multi-colored polo shirt. I think it was a vintage Wham reproduction.

"I think I must have accidentally jumped into a DeLorean and went back to 1985," I muttered. When forced into bizarro eighties land, it was easy to make those kind of jokes.

"_Back to the Future_?" Edward said as he continued to look at my face. "I love that movie!"

"Color me surprised." I flinched when he touched my face.

"Sorry, pretty Bella." His green eyes were so kind at that moment, you could see his potential. He made my icy heart melt slightly. It was at least a drip of heart thawing.

I shrugged and added, "It's okay."

"I don't think she wants to be touch—" Eric tried to interject.

Edward didn't stop looking at me. "Go sell some leather collars, Yorkie."

Eric didn't say anything, but did proceed to vacate the kiosk. I had a sneaky suspicion he was a bit frightened by Edward.

"They have leather collars?" I couldn't help asking. Edward didn't seem the type, but you never know what kind of secrets he had buried in his closet.

"I have no idea, but I would be willing to think that they do." He laughed and then quickly brushed his finger against my lips. "I'm going with Jasper to Bud's tonight for beers and burgers. The baseball game is playing and they have a pool table. You want to come?"

"I think I'm better hiding this black eye at my house." I pulled away and saw Alice glaring at me.

She stomped over and threw an arm around me and said, "We're going. We planned on a girl's night anyway."

"No, we didn't!" I tried to elbow her in the ribs to get her arm away from me. "I want to watch _Scandal_!"

"Let me just borrow her for a second." Alice pulled me to the other side and hissed, "We have to go! Jasper is going to be there!"

She started to shake me.

"Is he your boyfriend?" I asked.

"Not yet! He just broke up with Maria and is completely vulnerable to my charms." She poked me in the nose. "You can ride with Edward. Jasper lives closer to me so he can just swing by and pick me up."

"Why don't you just ask him to get coffee with you? You could get to know each other and—"

Alice shook me harder. "What's the fun in that? It will be easier to get him drunk."

She needed my guidance. There was so many possible disasters in her plan that I was just amazed I was considering helping her, but dealing with a heartbroken Alice at work would be a worse fate. I couldn't deal with her crying along with the customers. I had limits.

"Maybe, I'll go," I said reluctantly.

"Edward, she's going!" Alice yelled. It echoed all the way to The GAP.

Edward blew me a kiss. "Baby, it's going to be a night to remember."

That's what I was afraid of.

XXXXXX

Edward was going to be at my house in ten minutes. I needed to cancel right this minute.

"It wouldn't hurt to meet new people. Have some fun, Bella!"

Instead of canceling, I was moaning to my best friend, Angela. I wanted her to tell me what to do. I wanted her to tell me to run away from crazy town.

We had met freshman year in sociology, and were immediately kindred spirits. We bonded over our love of books and feminist, folk singers. When she met Ben and I started dating James, we all became the best of friends. It was hard to be away from her and Ben. It was even harder nursing my broken heart caused by James.

"We practically had sex on a car!" I exclaimed, as the flashbacks returned. It was fun, I had to admit after the embarrassment wore off.

Angela laughed. "You kissed a boy on a car! You need to do more things like that, Swan! You've gotten used to the same old things. Excitement is good for you!"

"Girl, he has roadkill glued to the back of his head!"

"A mullet?" She asked reflectively.

I yelled in her ear, "Yes!"

"It looks good on country singers." She was way too in obsessed with the country musicians.

"None of the new ones have mullets!" I rubbed my head and tried to will away the impending migraine. "If you are talking about Billy Ray Cyrus then I am disowning as honorary girlfriend."

"Oh simmer down." Angela got quiet. "Shit! I have to go!"

"That's okay, Ang. Date night with dear Bennie?"

"Bella, it's the Tori Amos concert," she admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, I had forgotten with everything that was happening. I should have flown back for it."

James had gotten me tickets for my birthday. Tori Amos was a special part of my friendship with Angela. We had seen her once before in concert, but I had finals the day before and I fell asleep using Angela's shoulder as a pillow. We had been called adorable lesbians that night. We still joke about it to this day.

"I want to let you know that James is taking the stripper. I didn't want you to see it on Facebook." Angela said this angrily. "I don't even want to go! Ben doesn't want to waste the tickets or get in trouble scalping them."

Ben was always so afraid of getting in trouble. The guy wouldn't even jaywalk.

"It was my birthday present! They were mine!" I cried. "That tramp is going to forever ruin Tori! She will truly be silent all these years to me."

"I'm so sorry, Bella!" Angela sounded close to tears herself. "What should I do?"

I took deep breath. "You are going to have fun for me. I am going to eat burgers and try not to be annoyed by Alice Cullen. Tonight will be horrible!"

"You should make-out with the sexy mullet again," she suggested.

"No!"

"Get James out of your system! If he can move on then so should you!" Angela's pep talk was wearing me down.

"Maybe."

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Call me with the details in the morning! Unless you are staying the night at his house."

"I would choke on that hair style disaster." The images in my head were frightening.

She laughed. "Why would you be face down to get all that luscious hair stuck in your mouth? You getting kinky in Forks?"

"Please stop! Go watch our favorite singer and think of my suffering."

We said good-bye and I hung up the phone. Taking a deep breath, I considered Angela's words.

James was having sex with a stripper. Why shouldn't I kiss Edward? I deserved a little bit of fun! I wasn't a nun! I was single! I was going to do this! I was starting to lose my nerve, so I ran out of the room.

I rushed down the stairs and barely waved a farewell behind me to my dad, as he called out, "Where are you going?"

"Edward Cullen's house, Dad. Heading to some bar for dinner."

"About time you spend time with a nice man," the old man said cheekily. I just ignored him.

I rushed through the yard to Edward's and ran up the front steps to his porch. I knocked on the red front door with a series of six raps. He opened and regarded me with a smile. "I was just about to come over. You better not be canceling."

Edward was wearing an old Metallica band tee-shirt with a pair of normal jeans. His feet were bare and his eyes twinkling. I was operation on pure adrenaline at this moment and that was all I needed.

"No canceling, but I need to get something out of my system." Before he could ask what, I kissed him soundly on the lips. It was intense and I tightened my grip on his arms. I pulled away and stated, "Thank you. Your willingness to let me do that is appreciated."

"Baby?" He took in my glare and corrected himself, "Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I need to get you in my system, honey." He pulled me closer by the waist and kissed me in return much harder. His tongue plunged in my mouth. I was pulled into his house as our mouths continued clashing together.

He kicked the door closed with his foot and I just let myself go in his embrace and twisted my fingers in that mullet. It was surprisingly soft and I wished I had a pair of scissors.

Tori Amos, James and stripper Vicki were forgotten. Kissing really _is_ a great distraction.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: It's my birthday. I have quite a few updates for stories today.**

**There was some _Saturday Night Live_ inspiration in this chapter.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 3

Edward Cullen's couch was a brown leather that was soft to the touch and it made me feel like I was laying on a cloud. I would probably fall asleep on it if I didn't have his mouth pressed on mine sucking out all the oxygen, while his erection was pressing my hip bone. I knew I should push him off, but I was as bad as he was. My fingers had creeped under his shirt and were digging into his skin. There were going to be marks.

Kissing Edward was an instant way to elevate one's mood. I wish I could just bottle it up and take it in pill form. It worked far better than valium.

He pulled away slightly and pulled off my glasses. "Look at those pretty eyes."

"Why are you talking? Your mouth has an even bigger job to do." I attempted to pull him down. The man just looked down at me with green eyes that danced. I just described his eyes as dancing. I needed some sort of therapy. His lip therapy would work for now I guess. "Down."

All of a sudden there was singing coming from above his fireplace. It was that ridiculous Billy Ray Cyrus song about hearts and aching. I glanced over toward the sound as Edward was trying to stroke down my side. It was a singing fish that was attached to a plaque like a trophy. My dad had always wanted one of those horrible things. "Please tell me that was a gag gift."

"Nope, honey, I bought it at Walmart," he exclaimed. Of course, he did. Tori Amos was now playing two pianos in front of my ex-husband and a stripper and here I was pinned by a man who had a singing fish hung on his wall for decor.

This teaches me not to try to be nice to people. Next time, Alice Cullen can fend for herself.

"You've got to be kid—" His mouth stopped my words. Those lips almost had magical powers.

His hands were wandering. I was in some Cullen daze letting my own hands do the same. All of a sudden, a large oak clock chimed. It was the time-out bell. Edward hopped up and pulled me with him. He straightened my shirt and kissed my forehead.

"My sister is waiting and poor Jasper doesn't have clue how to handle that wild child. I sure did enjoy making out with you on my couch," he said, as I stared at him blankly. We had to have conversations now? He patted my butt and went towards the front door. "I need to get my shoes on, little filly!"

"Do I look like a domesticated animal that's been disobedient? Don't smack me! I don't like it!" In a way, I was thankful for this. It was a reminder how different we really are and not just in what you could see outwardly. His oral skills had made me delusional for a bit, but I was back on track.

He looked up with that grin of his. "Baby, you are going to love my special spankings someday."

My mouth dropped. It was time to go home to my childhood bedroom, near my father who was drinking beer on his smelly couch, and I could moan how my life turned out. I sputtered, "I need to leave."

"Don't talk crazy now. I didn't mean to offend, sweetheart. All I'm saying, from my point of view, is that you live a very sheltered life. You don't do excitement. I get that it would be scary, but little girl, I see a fire in you that is just dying to get out." He strolled over and pulled me against you. "I just love a challenge."

His handsome face was close to mine. It would be so easy to just let go. I wasn't a quitter. "I'm no challenge. This isn't _Taming of the Shrew_. Your Benedict isn't going to change my Beatrice to become like him."

"I would never change you. I find myself wanting to hear your confusing words like whatever the hell you're mumbling about right now. I have no clue about shrews." Edward rubbed my lips with his thumb.

I wrinkled my nose and tried not to judge him. "It's a Shakespeare play."

"Right. That guy who wrote that dumb story about the kids who killed themselves. Read it in high school. Not a fan," he stated. I had to agree with him. It wasn't a fan either. Then he had to continue, "Who uses those fancy words all the time? I bought the cliff notes so I could write my paper."

"It was written in the past when people talked like that! His words are poetry!" I banged my head into Edward's chest.

"Hey now!" He pulled me away slightly. "I'm learning from you, Bella Swan, and you're learning from me. This is going to be the adventure of your life."

For good or for bad, I couldn't help but believe him.

He squeezed my ass one more time for good measure. "I'm going to give you a night to remember and drop you home with a kiss that will curl your toes. Get ready to be wooed, baby."

XXXXXX

The bar, Waylon's Pub, was downtown near Newton's Sporting Goods Store. I have memories of the smell of stale beer and corn nuts that radiated from that place when I walked past the front when I was little. My hand clutching my dad's as we went past. It had always made queasy. When I grew up and went to the trendy micro pubs near campus, I still would get a momentary flashback of those days.

I had never been inside, but this was a new time and this was the new Isabella Marie Swan. The Isabella who had dreams of intellectual greatness, a flourishing marriage, and a job as a professor was gone. In her place, was this girl who was standing on a pile of peanut shells and surrounded by a sea of men with mullets. The woman wore tight skirts and big hair. I would have never expected to find myself in such a place but here I stood.

The establishment had wood paneling with beer posters tacked to the walls with thumb tacks. Spuds the dog, beer mascot from the past, stared back at me from torn and faded paper. This place needed some new advertisements. Actually, the whole place needed updating. The stools and booths were ripped, stained red leather. The floors were unclean and some of the floorboards needed to be nailed back down. It was a deadly accident waiting to happen with all the drunks in the place.

There was only one thing that wasn't a throwback to the eighties. It was a large flatscreen that was playing the baseball game with no sound. Instead of the cheers of the crowds, Metallica was using their heavy rifts as the soundtrack to the Yankees trouncing the Red Sox.

If I get in the doctorate program this would be the perfect place to write about for my thesis. There's always a silver lining somewhere. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Edward had been talking to me, but I hadn't caught a word. His hand was clutching mine. I was pretty certain he thought I was going to flee. I was close to coming to that decision, so his idea to hold me there was a good one.

"—burgers are great here. What do you think?"

"That this is the place that the mullets come together to congregate and have contests to see which one looks most like a drowned rat," I confessed, as I watched a giant man with the longest mullet I had ever seen dance with the mother from the ill-fated piercing day. I think her name was Rose. There was a make-shift dance floor where they were gyrating on each other. It was like watching the mating ritual for wild boars. It was a pretty accurate description and the couple was reminiscent of the documentary had to watch in _Animals and Sexuality 102._

He smirked at me. "Not a fan of mullets? You like mine though?"

"Nope. Not one bit," I said distractedly, as I watched the giant mullet try to mount his lady's leg.

"I would love to hack it off with gardening shears."

"Garden shears?" He tightened his grip on my hand. "Why those?"

"I imagine that you would need something tough to try to unattached those crazy pieces of unneeded tendrils," I looked up at that unneeded hair with a wrinkle of my nose. "I don't think that hairy mop would give up without a fight."

"Maybe someday I'll cut it," he said lightheartedly. "You'll have to work for it."

"You need to do it for yourself and the good of the future. Some fads need to die out like the dinosaurs, dude." I couldn't help smiling back at him.

"Like you calling me dude, valley girl?" Edward wrapped an arm around my waist in public. I let him. I liked it. I think.

I quipped and he quipped back. It was an endearing trait to me.

"I was just trying to speak to you in your language of jelly bracelets and neon tie-dye shirts." I saw Alice wave us over with a pout on her face. It seemed her plan to seduce the blonde man was failing miserably. He was guzzling a beer. "I think we need to save your sister."

"You mean Jasper."

"No," I disagreed as we headed over to them. "Your buddy seems to be getting happy drunk while Alice is heartbroken."

"I wish she would get over him. He's still interested in that damn Maria. Alice is gonna go after him like a rabid dog and get hurt." He looked sadly at his depressed sister. Then he waved over to the giant. "Hey Emmett!"

The giant had a name. The large man stopped and pointed at us. His wife just glared at me. It was understandable. I almost maimed her kid with a piercing gun. Perhaps she should have asked a doctor to perform the task instead of two yahoos at a piercing kiosk. I proudly admit I am one of those clueless piercing yahoos.

"Yo, man! Is that her? Thanks for not piercing my kid's brain, sugar!" His voice boomed over the heavy metal music. "Is she the one you were banging on top of the truck in the parking lot, dude? Nice fucking work, my man!"

Oh. My. God. It would be an act of mercy if someone put me out of my misery right now.

"It's okay, Bella," Edward whispered in my ear and pulling me close. "You are now the most popular girl here."

"That is not a good thing, Cullen! People saw us!" I spat. I sat next to Alice who was holding a margarita glass and using her finger to flick the salt off the rim. It fell onto the table like dandruff. Actually, I hoped that was only salt. I tried to discreetly spot white specks in the girl's hair. "How goes it, Alice?"

"He wants to call the whore he dated!" Alice whined. "Jasper, she's a monster!"

"She just needs the love of a real man again, Al! You don't understand, because youse just a kid," he slurred. "Eddie, I can't figure how to dial these here keys!"

The drunk man held up an old flip cell phone and Edward snatched it away. "No way, buddy! Let's get the ladies some drinks. A beer, Bella?"

"A pinot grigio, please," I said without thinking.

"Is that the red or white one?" Edward asked in confusion.

"White." I watched as Edward dragged Jasper away. "You need to play hard to get or at least try to move on, Alice."

I was dishing out relationship advice now. I was on the road to ruin. It was if I was trying to be the tacky bar version of Jane Austen's _Emma_. The writer was probably rolling over in her grave.

"You learn that from _Cosmo_?" she asked. "_Glamour _has better relationship advice."

Alice was getting her relationship advice from fashion magazines. She would be much better off taking actual fashion advice from the magazine. The skintight red dress she wore did little for anyone's imagination and made her look like she was trying too hard. It would be more fitting for a job interview at a strip club. James's new girlfriend would approve.

"My friend Angela is wise in all things and told me these truths. You need to cover up the goods," I suggested pointing to her chest. She instantly used her hands to cover her breasts. It was a start. "Are you willing to try and let me help you?"

She looked over at Jasper with a wistful expression. "Sure, nothing else I've tried worked."

"That's a good answer, Alice! Now you—" I started to say, but was distracted by a woman with a wild mane of blonde hair and a tight electric blue tube dress who was manhandling Edward. "Who's that?"

Alice glanced over and gave a disgusted look. "Lauren Malloy. She's Edward's ex-girlfriend."

The woman turned to glare at us with a beer in her hand. That's when I saw the bump. "Why is that woman pregnant and drinking in a bar?"

I watched as the woman ran her hand up Edward's thigh. He just laughed at her. Edward then directed his attention to a swaying Jasper. He was more concerned with helping his drunk friend to stay upright.

"Is she? I thought that skank just ate a big lunch."

"She's pregnant. The only other conclusions would be she was born with an unfortunate body shape or there's an alien waiting to burst out," I pointed out.

"That's gross!" Alice squealed. She added patting my hand, "It isn't Edward's. They haven't been together in years."

The way Alice said it was really kind. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. This was bordering on a _Afterschool Special_ learning moment.

I watch as Lauren said something into Edward's ear. She appeared to lick it. I stood up with a purpose. "I'll be back."

I stalked over to them like a woman possessed. "You really shouldn't be drinking in your condition."

"It's non-alcoholic. Not that it's _any_ of your business," she hissed, as Edward watched with wide eyes.

"My mistake! I was just worried about your wee baby. The children are our future and all that jazz." I looked pointedly at Edward and took the wine that was placed in front of him on the bar. "Let's play pool."

"Gawd! You're the one that he was fucking at the mall! Was it really in the back section of the food court?" She looked at me like I was going to give her all the sordid details.

I could have acted affronted, but decided to give her something to wrap her perverted head around. "We were hot and heavy on the hood of my car, honey. I just love the fucking Edward outdoors."

Edward was in shock and mumbling to himself. I grabbed his belt buckle and pulled him to me so I could kiss him in front of her. Plunging my tongue in his mouth, I felt him melt into me. I pulled away and said, "Come get me at the pool table, tiger."

I downed the wine and headed to an empty table to rack up the balls. What was I doing? Was this jealousy?

I grabbed a long black pole and leaned over the table pretending to shoot. I felt hands on my waist and a man's body press into the back of mine. Edward spoke into my neck. "You were jealous."

"Nope. It was funny. I was bored," I lied.

He rocked his body into mine. "I can't wait to take you just like this in my bed, honey. Just go ahead and shoot."

I swallowed hard and took a shot. Edward nibbled on the bottom of my ear. The ball shot through the air and hit some random man in the head.

Whoa.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hello, lovelies. **

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 4

There was an irate woman in front of me. The one I hit with the pool ball which had left an ugly red welt on the middle of her forehead. Her hair was a mullet too. The top was cut close to her scalp. It wasn't quite a crew cut, but far too butch to be a called a pixie. The back was equal parts scary and amazing. Long auburn curls went down her back like a mullet mane. I was fairly certain that I was officially in the Twilight Zone.

I looked at the woman's furious face and then down at her plaid shirt and ripped jeans. She was part of my feminist tribe! A militant lesbian in this land of eighties flashbacks and redneck good, old boys. We were going to be great friends and angrily stand together against oppression 'the man' was trying to suppress us with!

Edward took my arm and hissed, "Don't talk to her, honey!"

That was silly. She was a freedom fighter just like me!

"I'm so sorry, sister! It was a mistake and all a man's fault!" I raised my fist in the air. "Unity, sister, from male oppression! I respect your choice to love the person of your choice no matter their gender!"

The woman's face changed to a look of confusion. "What?"

There was a loud laugh behind me and I turned to find the lone African American man sitting at the bar next to his Native American friend. The men were cracking up.

The African American gentleman, who wore a worn AC/DC tee-shirt and dreads said, "Damn Jake, Charlie's girl is doing the black pride salute! Sing it, sister!"

Crap! I always mix those things up at protest rallies.

Jake, who had a long black braid that hung over shoulder and onto his white wife beater, seemed awfully familiar to me. He snorted. "Bella shouldn't be in here, Tyler. Charlie must be crazy letting her hang with Cullen. Hey, Bells, Jessica there isn't a lesbian. She's dating my friend, Sam."

Oh shit.

Edward tried to pull me away but I just had to apologize. Turning towards her, I sputtered, "I . . . I . . . So sor—"

Jessica, of the mighty mullet, punched me in the other eye. I went down after that KO. Edward almost didn't catch me.

I had barely covered up the previous black eye with concealer. That eye looked diseased and now I would have a matching pair. I am going to look like a raccoon.

I whispered softly, "Sorry."

Edward cradled me in his arms and yelled at my assailant, "What the hell, Jess!"

"I ain't no dyke!" She roared.

"Our gay and lesbian friends shouldn't be called—" Edward clamped a hand on my mouth. "Quiet now, tiger. You can cause trouble later."

Then I heard a shout. "Get the hell outta here, Jess! No fighting in my bar!"

I spied with my barely working eye, a petite blonde with a baseball bat. I was feeling woozy and said, "Her hair is like cornsilk."

"Rest, baby," Edward said softly.

"I'll take the bat to you, Stanley! Go home to Sammy!" She came over and gave me a once over. "Take your slutty bookworm over to the bar, Ed. Let's fix the kid up."

I felt my body be pulled up into Edward's arms and he held me like a baby. I was woozy, but not woozy enough to let that happen. I started flailing to get him to drop me. "Let me down, Edward! I have legs."

"Simmer down, baby, and put all that feminist mumbo jumbo away until we get you all pretty again," he said into my ear. I was too tired to do any more protesting.

Edward lowered himself onto a stool with me on his lap. His arm tightly around my waist to keep me from leaping off. He demanded, "Sit still."

The blonde woman came over with an ice pack. She was blurry, but I could somewhat see her high pony-tail swaying and her nipples poking out of her tank top. I wanted to buy her a bra. I tried to decipher if Edward was zeroing in on her headlights, but he was too busy staring at my sore eye.

She stuck the ice pack on me. "Honey, if you were trying to bond with a lesbian you should have talked to me. I love hanging out with new pretty, progressive girls who come to town."

I felt Edward's grasp on me tighten and he actually hissed. It was weird.

"Seriously?" I admonished him. "Chill out, Cullen."

"Yes, Ed, chill out! The whole town has heard about you two getting frisky on the top of a car. I'll behave. Maybe." She wiggled her eyebrows at me.

"This is so embarrassing," I moaned. The ice pack on my eye didn't help soothe it at all.

"Don't worry, honey! That's old news! Everybody is going to be talking about the bar fight now. Alec! Get this lady a whiskey on the rocks!" She barked at the skinny bartender. He looked liked he was twelve with floppy hair. "I'm Jane. I run this place with my inbreed brother. He's the one pouring your drink right now."

"Damn it, Jane!" Alec complained. The whiskey he was pouring missed the glass. "Oh fuck!"

The tiny woman owned the bar? She looked only slightly older than the child bartender. I think Jane resembled a porcelain doll that I had when I was young.

"Are you old enough to own a bar?" I questioned.

"Honey, my daddy Waylon owned this place and left it to me and the doofus. I'm much older than I look. Oh the things I could teach you," She teased with bright eyes then she directed her attention to the livid man I was perched on. "Get a sense of humor, Ed."

"Don't scare her away, Janie," he hissed at her.

She just laughed. "You'll be doing that on your own, Mr. Touchy Feely. She's her own woman, She has a daddy and doesn't need you to act like Charlie. Bella, you need a job?"

"I'm working at the piercing place at the mall," I whispered. My head was pounding.

"Not anymore. I heard you almost killed Rosie and Em's kid with a piercing gun." She handed me a whiskey. "Drink up, honey. It will cure what ails you."

The amber glass of lighter fluid burned all the way down my throat. After a coughing fit, I protested, "I wasn't that bad! I didn't shoot the baby! I hit my finger instead!"

"Next time, you might not be so lucky. I need someone smart and your daddy assures me that you are. I need a bookkeeper, marketing whiz and someone familiar to classier places that can help me fix up the place. There's a new highway project and I want rich tourists to give me their cash. You interested?"

No more mall? Of course, I was interested. "Yes, I—"

"No! I don't think this is a good place for her to spend her time," Edward protested. "Unsavory sorts around here."

"I'm going to keep my hands to myself, Edward Cullen. Unless she doesn't want me too," she stated, with a humorous wink towards me. I found a great new friend who would drive Edward bonkers. It was a win! "This will be good for her, man. She can handle it!"

"Fine," he relented. He looked cranky.

"I will take the job, Jane. Thank you." I smiled at Jane. Turning to Edward, I snapped, "This was in no way your decision, Cullen. I'm not your woman!"

"Sure you are, Bella. You just won't admit it yet." His bright grin could have lit the dim lighting of the room.

The Native American man came over and said, 'Maybe Bells just isn't interested in you, Ed?"

"Do I know you?" I asked the man. He definitely knew me.

I waited for his answer, but I was ignored. Edward and this Jacob fellow were too busy having a pissing contest. I was surprised they weren't trying to mark me like a pair of junkyard dogs.

"Back off, Jacob Black! You don't have a chance with her! Hell would have to freeze over first," Edward retorted with a sneer.

"No lady can resist these guns." He flexed his muscles at me. "Hey there, Bella Swan!"

Then it hit me. It was Billy Black's son. My dad had been best friends with Billy since before I was born. I lived to torment Jacob and then read _Pippi Longstocking_ books when I was small.

"Oh my god, I remember you!" I exclaimed. "I used to put worms in your hair! You would cry and tell on me! It was so funny."

His cocky demeanor crumbled. "I wasn't scared!"

"You were weeping that they would eat your brains!" I started cracking up. "You made the summer visits to my dad enjoyable. Do you still have dreams of worms crawling out of your ears or have gotten over it?"

Jacob looked like he was going to vomit.

Tyler chugged his beer and then answered for Jacob, "He's still scared of them! He fishes with sliced American cheese."

The whole bar erupted into laughter.

"I'm leaving," Jacob whined, but then he turned to me with a look of determination. "I'll win you yet, girl."

I watched him leave and directed my attention to Edward. "Is everyone here delusional? Can no one take a hint and leave me alone?"

"Sometimes you find something special and want to hold it tight," he said with a quick peck on my cheek. "You girl, are pretty damn special."

XXXXXX

I found myself back at Edward's house after delivering a sleeping Jasper to his angry parents so they could watch over him. We then took a weeping Alice back to her apartment after she promised to call her brother the next morning.

Those two had a pretty lousy evening that was almost equal to mine. I do believe, however, that being punched in the eye trumped the wallowing of those two love struck losers. Jasper was crying into a virgin strawberry daiquiri that Jane lied and said had alcohol in it, until he had passed out. He landed into a plate of nachos covered on guacamole. When he slowly lifted his head, it looked like he was wearing a facial mask.

Alice was flirting with the boy bartender to get Jasper's attention. That Alec kid was blushing and beaming at her like his dreams had finally come true. Alice kept flirting, but Jasper with his guacamole face was too busy snoring. Alec, however, was in heaven until she started crying about the unfair nature of love. The bartender spent the rest of the night comforting her. Love made the whole batch of them stupid.

"I need to go home," I protested as he led me in and toward a room up the stairs. The whiskey was made me slightly tipsy.

"Baby, your daddy will kill me if I bring you home drunk with a new shiner on your face." He opened the door to his bedroom that was surprising tasteful except for the navy, satin sheets. That was an accident waiting to happen. "You sleep here tonight and we'll face him together the morning."

"I'm not sleeping with you." I took the worn green tee-shirt he handed me.

"I know. I wouldn't even try with you being drunk." He pulled the shirt over my head and unhooked my bra. "Damn, you're sexy."

It's been a long time since I'd heard that and I continued to thaw.

Edward pulled his tee-shirt over my head and unbuttoned my pants to pull them down gently. When he finished he kissed my nose and whispered, "Time to sleep."

He picked me up and laid me down on his slippery bed and I watched him strip down to his boxers. Edward Cullen was one good looking man even with the roadkill attached to his head. He came over to me and wrapped himself around my slightly shaking form. I was nervous at these romantic feelings that were coming back to me. You make yourself forget the comfort of snuggling into a man's bare chest or at least I did. The feeling of warmth from his body and the way his fingers move over the skin of my thigh to draw lazy circles.

"I missed the cuddling," Edward spoke into my neck. "I'll sound like a chick, but it was one of my favorite parts of having a girlfriend."

"Oh." I turned my head slightly. My lips against his collar bone. "I don't go home with strange men."

"I'm not a stranger. We're practically best friends." A kiss to my head. "I don't usually do love at first sight."

A snort and a smile escaped me. "You, sir, are a cheese ball. I would call this an unusual dream."

"As long as you didn't say nightmare, I'll consider myself a lucky man." I was pulled tighter against him.

I fell before for a man with pretty words. James would recite poetry to me under the light of the moon. Here I was doing it again with Edward. Falling down the rabbit hole.

"Sleep." He turned my head to give me a dizzying kiss. "Sleep and dream of happy things."

XXXXXX

I was in the forest. The foliage was thick and the pine trees were attacking me with their branches. There seemed to be no exit and the ground was slippery like walking on an ice rink. I skid around and could barely stay upright.

All I knew was that I was thirsty and looking for a stream filled with pomegranate flavored seltzer. I needed the refreshing taste to rid myself of the lingering taste of whiskey.

I continued sliding through the woods slowly until, at last, I completely lost control and careened through the woods screaming towards a cliff. Something stopped my upcoming flight off the rock. It was the chest of a gigantic bear. My mouth filled with its hair.

Choking on his thick, oily black fur, I tried to push it away to no avail. The beast was much to strong. I couldn't breathe, because I was inhaling its hair that smelled of cedar and cinnamon.

My eyes opened as I gasped for breath. I was spooning Edward and choking on his mullet.

I prayed to God for a mighty pair of scissors to chop that mess off, because that tangled mop of unneeded hair certainly wanted to kill me.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I write this to make people happy. If it doesn't, I hope you find one that does. There are some great stories out there. If it does, that makes my overjoyed!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 5

"Your dad get pissed? Did he think Ed punched you?" Jane asked, as she leaned over the bar. It was two weeks later and I was trying to make sense of the jumbled mess that was the bar's financial information on my computer. This confusing maze of figures was still a far better gig than the piercing kiosk.

"He thought it was hilarious actually." I looked up at my new boss with a grin. She was clad in the same tank top I had seen previously. It was still missing the help of a supportive bra to reign those puppies in. I knew exactly what I would be getting her for Christmas. "He offered to teach me how to fight."

I couldn't help smiling as I remembered the lesson my dad tried to give me.

"_Kiddo, put up your dukes," Dad stated as he held up his two fists. We were in the kitchen after Edward finally walked me home. That man had been apologizing profusely after the attack on my mouth by his mullet. "If you're going to start fights with the locals, I think you need to learn how to protect yourself."_

"_Stop joking around. I won't be getting in any more tussles. I'm just going to keep my head down and stay quiet." I grabbed a soda and headed back into the living room. _

_My dad followed me with his hands still clenched. "You're a know-it-all Swan, just like your old dad. There is no way for you to keep your mouth shut!"_

_I stopped and turned toward him with eyes narrowed. "What do you suggest as a lesson?"_

"_Punch me in the gut, grasshopper!" My dad looked excited. He watched way too many old kung fu movies on late night cable. _

"_Really?'" I placed my soda on the coffee table and made fists. "Are you absolutely sure?"_

"_Remember not to tuck in your thumbs. That's the way to break them," Dad instructed._

_I looked down at my fists. "I know that."_

_My dad looked positively nonchalant as he rocked back and forth on his heels. I had a feeling he was certain that I would tap him gently on the shoulder. After that, Dad would take me under his masculine wing and teach me the brutal art of hand to hand fighting. _

"_You asked for it," I reminded him. _

_I punched him in the gut, causing my father to fly backward and land on his ass. He just sat there on the floor with his eyes closed. I must have killed him._

"_Dad!" I ran to him and tried to check his pulse. His hand gripped my wrist. _

_One of his eyes opened, revealing light brown. "Where the hell did you learn that, kid?"_

"_Self-defense class, Dad."_

"_Not too shabby." My dad chuckled. It turned to a groan as he rubbed his head. "Not too shabby at all." _

"I thought Ed would try to teach you some moves," Jane stated. She started drying some beer mugs. "Though I would imagine it would be more of the naked wrestling variety with the two of you."

My mind went to some dirty thoughts that were entirely appropriate with her mentioning of naked mud wrestling. I tried to banish them by changing the subject. "I need all your receipts from the last year, Jane! How the hell did you pay your taxes?"

"Honey, I was a pre-med major. Give me blood and guts over spreadsheets any day," she explained with a sigh. "Just the thought of dissecting cadavers at Hopkins makes me miss the good, old days."

"Why are you here?" It was amazing to me that she was now at this bar stuck in the land that time stopped in the eighties.

"It's my home." She looked back at the kitchen where Alec was washing vegetables for the dinner rush. "Dad died and Alec couldn't handle this place. I just wish there were some more pretty girls of the sapphic persuasion around these parts. Are you sure you like penises?"

"Yes, Jane, I like men." I sighed and opened up the payroll. Pushing up my glasses, I attempted to concentrate on the numbers in front of me.

"You sure know how to work a pair of spectacles, girl. Naughty librarians are fun." Jane slid a beer in front of me, as I pointed my middle finger at her. "Break time, woman! You know you changed the subject, right?"

"I did." I attempted to ignore her and the beer in the frosty mug.

"You failed, honey. What's going on between you and Ed?" Jane shut my laptop as I tried to type. "Is he an insatiable lover? Tanya was revolting when she described the Edward Cullen prowess in the bedroom."

Tanya?

"Who?" I squeaked. I willed myself not to act jealous, but it must have been written all over my face.

"A waitress that used to work here. Supposedly, she ran off with some trucker so she could dance in Vegas." Jane did love to gossip. "Honey, you like Ed. Just admit it."

"I choked on his mullet! All I can think about is chopping it off with scissors or a hatchet! I've been avoiding him like he has the plague! The dreams, Jane! Sometimes I have sexy ones about him ravaging me in a gazebo and other times I have nightmares that the mullet is stalking me in an attempt to kill me!" I had diarrhea of the mouth.

It hit me that I missed Angela and Jane was becoming a close friend.

"You _are_ having sex with him!" Jane exclaimed with a grimace. "Penises are gross. They just hang there like elephant trunks."

"That's a horrible visual, Jane! It is also not at all accurate! Some of us like them!" I scoffed. I could, however, see where she got that idea in her head. They were trunk like. "We haven't had sex."

"No way! Not yet?" Jane looked me over. "You want to."

I took a long drink of the beer. "Ye. .. No."

"Liar. Is it the hair?" She asked and poured a shot of vodka. It was pushed in front of me. "Do you actually like the old school Stamos mullet? It's very _Full House_. Do you think if he cuts it off that he would lose his Bella wooing power like the biblical tale Sampson and Delilah?"

"I absolutely do not think that mess of unnecessary hair has magical powers brought down from God. His mullet does remind me of Uncle Jesse." I looked down at the shot of vodka. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Yes. Maybe you'll flash me? It's been so long!" Jane exclaimed hopefully.

"No."

"Jane, my dear friend, leave that poor girl alone!" I turned to find an attractive man with a blue faux mohawk stroll in. The man was clad in a Sex Pistols tee-shirt and had his nose pierced. If I was seventeen, that random stranger would be in so much trouble. Lucky for him, I was way too old for rockers and had an unnatural attraction to Edward. "Hello there, new girl!"

He was pushing a cart with the name _Volturi Premium Distributors _stenciled onto the side that was loaded with cases of beer. The name triggered a something in me. They were overcharging Jane! I threw open the laptop to search for my proof.

Jane looked at me in confusion. "What the hell are you doing? More drinking and less math, Swan! Garrett, this is Chief Swan's only daughter. Her name is Isabella and unfortunately not interested in me."

The man sat next to me and held out his hand to shake mine. "Enchanted, Isabella Swan. I'm Garrett Hanson, guitarist and art genius. Happy to meet a new female in this town that can liv—"

I kept scrolling down the file of payments to vendors. "You're overcharging, Jane. The markup for the beer is way too much. Jane, we need to explore new distributors that won't charge you an arm and a leg."

"Well fuck me!" Jane exclaimed.

Garrett, the so-called guitarist and artist looked offended. "I only deliver the stuff, Janie!"

"No wonder this place is bleeding money. These Volturi people are shysters." I looked down the columns and sneered. This was ridiculous. I could decipher this much, but Jane really needed more help than I could give her. "You really need an accountant."

"Aren't you an accountant, Isabella?" The handsome Johnny Rotten asked. "Want to count my tattoos, sweetheart."

"Bella is just a very smart girl, Garrett. We needed fresh perspective in this town and she's going to bring it with her snobby, college girl elitism," Jane stated. She poured another shot for me.

I threw it back. "It takes one to know one, Dr. Jane."

"You got me there, Swan." She let out a snort. "We are two regular peas in a pod."

Garrett grabbed my mug of beer and started drinking it. He paused from draining it and looked at me then Jane. "I would pay good money to see the two of—"

"That is the epitome of disrespectful. Jane and I shouldn't be treated in this manner." I pushed my glasses on my head to stare the man down and grabbed the mug out of his hand. "This sir, is my beer. If you want a drink, I suggest you purchase one from my friend. She needs as much money coming in her as she can get."

"You are something else, lady," Garrett said in shock. "I think we're going to be great friends. More if you play your cards—"

Jane threw her dishrag in his face. "She has a suitor all ready, dumb ass."

"Who?" Garrett questioned. He looked genuinely interested.

Before I could refute Jane's claims, Edward strolled in the bar and announced, "Me."

Jane muttered, "He really is a red-headed Stamos."

Garrett hopped off his bar stool quickly and rushed towards Edward. At first I assumed they were going to come to blows, but instead they embraced.

"It's been a long time, man!" Garrett patted Edward's back. "How's it going?"

I saw Edward look over at me with a solemn expression. "It's been okay. You going to be around town for a while?"

"Yeah. Aro is being a bitch. I've been thinking about looking around here for a new gig." I saw Garrett glance in my direction. "The view around these parts has improved significantly."

"Don't get any ideas, Hansen." Edward patted Garrett really hard as a warning. Men and their macho displays made me want to roll my eyes, but Edward was the exception. Only a little bit. I still rolled my eyes, but I wanted to jump his bones at the same time. That man drove me insane.

"I should start writing a new employee handbook!" I yelled this to deflect Edward from wanting to talk to me. Must deflect attention at all costs! "Maybe I should take inventory in the back!"

That was not at all in my job description.

"You don't have to do that," Jane pointed out.

I just shrugged and scurried into the back room.

The back room was a creepy place that was dimly lit by a bare lightbulb that was in the middle of the room. It was filled with cases of various types of alcoholic beverages and random cleaning supplies. I thought I heard a mouse squeak nearby and I let out a corresponding noise.

"Whoa there, baby! You're okay." I felt a hand on my shoulder and I spun around to face Edward. "You've been avoiding me."

"I wouldn't say that," I lied and pulled away from him. I pretended to read the label on a box filled with wine bottles. "Busy times lately. You think that a wine called, _Georgia__'__s Italian Vino_ would even be made of grapes? I really need to talk to Jane about her choices of wine. I'm no sommelier, but—"

I was whirled around and my back pressed against the boxes of questionable wine. Edward had one hand around my waist and the other placed on the back of my neck. His mouth hovered over mine. "Tell me you don't want this."

"I'm not the type of girl that lets a man push me against a bunch of bad wine. Buy a girl some decent booze first," I joked badly. I was going to keep deflecting.

"No more jokes, Bella. I need to know if I should just back off now." His hands gripped me tighter. Slowly he repeated, "Tell me you don't want this."

"I don—" I looked into his green eyes and thought about how much I missed him over the last two weeks. "I do want this."

His mouth pressed on mine. I kissed him right back with everything I had.

His fingers traveled under my shirt. I moved my lips away from his and asked breathlessly, "Are we going to have sex in here?"

"It's tempting," he answered lightheartedly. "I don't want to scandalize the rats."

"You mean mice?" I looked around us. I thought I heard little feet running around our shoes. Edward didn't answer. I asked again, "You meant mice, right?"

"Maybe you could call them mutant mice, but I'm certain those giant guys are rats." He laughed as I cried out in response. Edward swung me up into his arms. "Don't worry, I won't let them eat your toes."

I tried to squirm out of his grasp. "I can handle some mice, Edward."

"Sure you can, slugger." He gave me a quick kiss. "I am taking you on a picnic."

"Now? I need to work!" Edward was the pushiest man.

"Honey, we need some fun without the threat of you getting punched again." He then bit my earlobe and whispered, "You know how I love experiencing the great outdoors."

"Oh my God! You want to have sex outside!" I gasped. He was a kinky pervert. Of course, I must confess, I enjoyed making out on the top of my truck.

"Making sweet love in the beauty of nature that God created with me buried deep inside something else beautiful would be amazing." Edward licked his lips. "Very deep, baby."

It was official, a picnic in nature was now the most stimulating idea ever. Who would have ever guessed?

XXXXXX

I absolutely, positively did not want a bite of Edward's meatball sub. There was some other meat that Edward had that was far more interesting to me. I really didn't want that meat in my mouth. He probably would love his meat in my mouth, though. I imagined gagging in such a large amount of meat.

"Are you hungry? Interested in a banana?" He asked as he held out a large, yellow phallic shaped fruit.

I was a pervert.

"Nope. I'm good." I looked at my surroundings instead of at Edward.

We sat in a small clearing that was surrounded by gigantic trees that created a shelter from any prying eyes of woodland creatures or wayward hikers. There was random groupings of wildflowers that added small bursts of pastel colors amongst all the green. I added, "It really is secluded here. Your version of make-out point?"

"More like my thinking place. You would be the only girl that I've ever brought here." He put down his sandwich and scooted closer. He pulled me into his arms and laid me down on the wool blanket. I didn't point out that it was scratchy. It would be a mood breaker. "You're a pretty special girl."

"I'm kind of a snob with a superiority complex," I admitted. "I'm working on fixing that."

"Bella, none of us are perfect. You have pointed out repeatedly about my need for a haircut," Edward stated. I cringed as he laughed. Slowly he unbuttoned my shirt. His fingers grazed the skin of my chest. "We are all works in progress. I see how kind you've been to my sister and the way you make your dad light up when he talks about you. You're a good person, Bella."

Falling. He makes me fall.

My bra was unclasped and I was on the blanket unclothed from the waist up. "You are so fucking pretty."

His mouth peppered kisses on my chest and breasts. His tongue circled my nipples which would have felt absolutely incredible if it wasn't for my back.

It started as a small itch that being that I assume was from the evil, red plaid blanket woven out of hypodermic needles and the prickles from a hedgehog. Then the itch became more intense as Edward's hand headed south towards the button of my jeans and his tongue swirled around my belly button.

That tongue move he just performed would have been amazing if it wasn't for the pain that now accompanied the itching. I started squirming trying to scratch the pain away. I was just making the situation worse.

"You like that, baby?" Edward asked heatedly. His fingers went into my underwear and pressed onto my clit.

I liked a part of it.

He pressed down harder and made those long fingers of his circle faster. It was incredible, except for the unpleasant fire that was making me want to cry out that completely eclipsed the fire in my loins. I hissed, "Oh God! Oh God!"

"Oh yes, sweetheart! Do you love it?" Edward kissed my neck.

Not really, because my back was now filled with boils.

"Fuck! It burns!" I raked my nails down his back.

"Scream my name!" He begged.

All I wanted to scream was about how this must be what I imagined hell fire would feel like.

I stated as calmly as possible, "Edward, you need to get up. It hurts."

He stopped immediately. "Was I too rough? Honey, I'm so sorry—"

"My back hurts!" I explained, as he helped me sit up.

"Was it a root pushing into you?" He went to look at my ailment and let out a gasp. "Your back looks like it was in a chemical fire!"

"I think I'm allergic to the blanket." I felt tears fill my eyes. "Why does this keep happening?"

"Bella, my dad has creams for this type of thing! Nice organic lotions that he uses on pregnant women! I'll fix you up. Don't cry!" Edward pulled off his tee-shirt. "Wear mine. It's looser and won't rub on the rash."

Edward was so sweet and kind. His naked chest was absolutely amazing. I cried harder.

"Baby, this is just a little bump in the road!" Edward tried to wipe away my tears.

"We're cursed!" It was the only logical conclusion. I grabbed his hand and placed it on my back. "Scratch this."

I hoped Edward had a back scratcher in his car for the trip home. If today was any indication, I wouldn't be that lucky.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hi. Enjoy. **

Chapter 6

Edward's parents lived in a small house in town. It was painted a pale pink and there were various planters filled with flowers hung from hooks on the front porch. There was a sign that read, _Serenity Women__'__s Experience_ in a swirly, pink font. It certainly seemed serene from the outside. It always has been said that the color pink was a soothing tone. The sound of the Bee Gees that was playing outside was an interesting touch.

Edward must have noticed my slow and completely unintentional head bobbing that was accompanied with my look of confusion to the of the acoustical version song, _Night Fever_. He explained, "There are speakers in the fake rocks."

"I wasn't curious about that. I'm just trying to figure out why your father decided that the Bee Gees are comforting music for pregnant women."

He shrugged. "Dad, thinks that the babies find their inner joy to seventies dance music."

"Isn't it supposed to be classical music stimulating positive brain function to increase early intelligence. I read a joint paper written by the Human Development and Psychology Departments of the University of Chicago that shows through their research on the infant brain in utero that the neurons of fetuses—" I began to explain. Studies like these were invigorating and I was already deciding that my next scientific study reread would be about the cognitive brain function of primates that were treated like human children.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, honey. Your words are just a jumble of things I don't understand. My dad just thinks those babies like to boogie." He pulled me closer. "However, if you want to say those sweet nothing to me naked on my bed, I'm all ears. Just wear the glasses, Miss Bella. Damn those things are sexy on you."

I was planning on telling him off in righteous, feminist indignation, but instead I wiggled in his grasp trying to create some friction.

"Honey, you trying to get frisky in front of my mom's house. She's probably making a pie right now." He moved his body against me. "I think she'll be all right. My parents are very forward thinking about sex."

"I'm trying to rub my back on your arm!" I explained. "My back is itching like crazy!"

It would be a lie to say that his penis pressed against me wasn't stimulating. The idea, however, of becoming intimate with him in front of his parents was nauseating. Not to mention my poor back felt like horrible welts were forming on my poor skin.

Edward gently scratched my back. "I'm sorry, Bella. I know it feels terrible. I was just trying to lighten the mood. I thought I could distract you."

"You are very distracting, Mr. Cullen. Thank you for the attempt."

The problem was that man was always quite the distraction. It was Edward's animal magnetism taking me in and not the disturbing fascination with his hairstyle.

"We should probably get you inside so Dad can check out that back of yours. I want to get you all healed up." He kissed me on the head and attempted to lead my up the porch stairs and towards the magenta front door. I hadn't noticed the hue of the door originally. There were also pink outdoor furniture on the porch. This place was practically a little girl's gigantic Barbie house.

"Was the color scheme of this place inspired by a bottle of Pepto-Bismol?" The question just popped out of my mouth. I covered my mouth with my hands. I didn't mean to say that. It was best to apologize for this slight profusely. "Edward, I am so sor—"

He was cracking up. Edward attempted to regain his composure. "That was exactly the description I was looking for! It's horrible, isn't it? Girl, I think I've been waiting for you my whole life."

Suddenly, I was pulled into his arms and Edward's mouth went to mine roughly, but at the same time he gently scratched my back for me. This guy made me wonder if I too was waiting for him.

"Boy, this is a place where babies come out and not where my child should be sticking one in. There is a shed where you can take your girl out back. Just make sure you clean up after yourselves," a lilting voice stated.

I looked up to see a woman with auburn waves that were streaked with gray standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a floral, silk robe and crystal jewelry. There was a copy of the _Karma Sutra_ in her hand. Edward didn't even have to introduce her.

"Ma! Don't embarrass Bella! We're here to see, Dad!" Edward grumbled. He attempted to pull me past her, but the woman grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.

"Esme Cullen, almost certified sex therapist," She introduced herself to my complete mortification. She pulled away and looked at her son. More specifically, she regarded Edward's crotch. "Nice tent there, Edward. Your father was sporting one just two hours ago."

This was a nightmare.

"Cullen men are known for their stamina, sugar," she whispered in my ear.

Good to know, just not from Edward's mother.

XXXXXX

"I need you to pee in this cup, Bella." Carlisle Cullen tried to hand me a tiny, plastic cup. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts to perform an unneeded exam, which seemed to me completely unethical, even for a mid-wife. Perhaps mid-husband would be a more accurate description. "Afterwards, stick on the floral robe that is hanging on the door of the bathroom. I'll start your exam after that."

The walls of the exam room that Carlisle used was covered in a wallpaper with tiny roses. Those roses were, of course, pink. Instead of using a table that one would normally use in a physicians office there was a Victorian settee. The fabric was also covered in flowers. Actually, the whole room was in a floral motif. It was nauseating.

"Mr. Cullen, I don't need to pee in a cup or have a pelvic exam. I just need—" I looked down at the old fashioned couch. "You need to tell me you put a paper sheet on this thing during exams."

"Prenatal vitamins! Absolutely, my dear, but the ones I prescribe are holistic!" The blonde man with shaggy hair was attractive in his wrinkly apparel. I could see where Edward got his good looks and unfortunate sense of style.

"Dad! This isn't—" Edward tried to explain, but was cut off by his exuberant father.

Carlisle clapped his hands. "I can't wait to become a grandfather!"

Oh hell no!

"Mr. Cullen, I have a rash!" I yelled trying to get his attention.

Carlisle grabbed a note pad and a pen. "On your vagina? Would you consider the rash wart like on inspection? Oh, honey, we need to fix that before the baby—"

"She's not pregnant, Dad!" Edward started tugging on that mullet of his.

I added, "It's on my back!"

"Are you telling me that your girlfriend isn't pregnant and that she needs ointment on her back?" Carlisle asked. He pointed to my shirt. "Take that off, dear girl, and let's see the damage."

Slowly I removed my shirt with a hiss as it rubbed against my sore skin. Carlisle wiggled his eyebrows at his son in the most unprofessional away. He then instructed, "Turn around, Bella."

"Damn!" He exclaimed. "Bella, would you say that you have extreme allergies?"

"It appears to nature." I relaxed as Edward's father fingers rubbed the area. "We were having a picnic."

"Dad, that's my job!" Edward hissed.

Carlisle just kept rubbing. "Simmer down, son. This lovely lady needs some relief. Would you prefer your mother do this. She would enjoy it."

"Dad!" Edward pulled his dad away. He began to scratch me instead. "It was the wool blanket we were laying on."

"I gather Bella was shirtless." Carlisle rolled his chair over to a cabinet and pulled out a tube of cream.

"Of course, Dad, we were getting it on." Edward had the gall to smirk.

Carlisle grinned. "That's my boy! This is the finest mixture of herbs and natural pain remedies."

I was going to murder them both, but as Edward slathered the lilac smelling substance on my back I decided to give them both a reprieve. It felt wonderful.

"Next time, children, I suggest making sweet love in the grass and not on a blanket." Carlisle grabbed out a pamphlet titled, _Making Love the Organic Way_ and handed it to me. "Esme can give you pointers before you leave."

It was official. I was in the twilight zone.

XXXXXX

It had been quiet for two whole days. Quiet was not having Edward following me around. Quiet was not hearing his voice as he attempted to seduce me or make me laugh. Quiet was having to bitterly think about James and my past.

I missed Edward Cullen. I even missed that horrible hair of his.

"You know that you could go over there, kiddo. I saw his car." Dad said interrupting my melancholy. We were sitting at the kitchen table. My father was scarfing down bacon and eggs. I was picking at a piece of toast. "You need to eat."

"I'm fine. I'll eat later." I started twisting my coffee cup around in my hands. "He just disappeared! Edward was all about trying to get in my pants until I got a nasty rash! I bet he met someone else! Someone who isn't allergic to wool and can have sex in the woods!"

My verbal vomit made my poor dad choke on his coffee.

He cough and hacked for several minutes and when he finally calmed down, Dad begged, "For the love of Jesus, never _ever_ say anything like that again!"

"It just flew out of my mouth," I squeaked. "I just don't understand him!"

"I'm easy to understand, honey," Edward stated as he came into the kitchen. "Get dressed. Today you are coming to work with me."

He was dressed in a tight tee-shirt, ratty jeans, and a dirty baseball cap. I licked my lips at the sight. Then I realized I had no idea what his profession was. There was a possibility that I would be stuck in a big rig with him for days on end to deliver perishables of some sort. My traitorous brain couldn't help but imagine hot sex in the cab. I sucked down my hot coffee to distract myself with a burning tongue.

"I have to work," I fibbed. "I really need to get Jane ready—"

"You have off for the next two days. Jane gave me a heads up when I got back to town," Edward explained.

He left town? I wasn't even given a heads up.

Dad gave Edward a large smile. "You got those trees for the youth center?"

"I even got the flowers donated. It was a long trip, Charlie, but more than worth it. Having all of those donations will make the new playground look great." He pulled up a chair next to me and grabbed a piece of bacon. "Eat up, Bella girl. You'll need all your strength."

"_What_ is going on?" I questioned. His knee touching mine was distracting. I was confused until I read Edward's shirt, _Cullen Landscaping_. "You're a landscaper?"

"You finally figured it out. I had to rush out of town to pick up the plants. I forgot my phone. I'm so sorry I didn't get to talk to you. I left messages for you," he exclaimed. I forgot to check my messages! He was beaming. "I can't wait to see you get all dirty."

"Boy, please stop!" My father looked ill at the thought.

I thought about the idea of having to spend the day outside and trying to work with living things. At a certain age, I had become obsessed with libraries instead of the woods. My house plants were destined to short lives due to my neglect. This would be awful.

I tried to let Edward down easy. "I have a black thumb. Why don't I see you later?"

He just leaned in closer. "I want to see your hands in that dirt and gently placing the plant into ground. It's the hottest thing. I've actually dreamed about it."

"Was I naked?" I whispered breathlessly as I stared into his face. My body was tingling like I was being shocked with electricity.

"I made you naked," he whispered back. His lips hovered on mine. I let out a sigh. Edward kissed me as I pushed my body to his.

A cup hit the ground and shattered. We looked up at my father who looked pale. "You two make me want to vomit."

I just shrugged. Maybe gardening wouldn't be so bad after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thank you for reading.**

**Also, this story and Trio were both nominated in the Fanatic Fanfics awards. ****fanaticfanficsawards**** dot blogspot dot ****com****. There are many great stories to vote for!**

Chapter 7

It was oppressively hot and humid in a way that could fry an egg on the sidewalk. I felt like my brain was that hypothetical egg. All my thoughts were a scrambled jumble as I sat in the dirt outside of the youth center. Plants stuck in those little, plastic containers surrounded me. It was my job to make holes and stick things into them. I wanted Edward to stick his things in my holes. It was a shame, he was too busy planting trees near the soccer fields, because it seemed gardening did make you horny.

I might be going to hell for my dirty thoughts. I was certainly going to hell for my black thumb that was killing all of these plants. My thumb was the color of a starless night and the plants were already drooping. I was a serial plant killer.

The youth center originally was an old inn that was walking distance from my house. I remember walking past it when I was young and being positively terrified of the monstrosity of a house. Back then, it was covered in peeling paint and the grounds were covered with weeds. My adolescent self spent summers having nightmares about that place. My skinny, knobby knees shaking as I walked up creaky staircases. A cool breeze hitting my back and I turn around to find a ghostly white vampire leering at me with fangs dripping with blood.

I felt something wet hit the back of my neck.

"No!" I screamed. I fell backward onto the plants. The vampires were coming out during the day!

"Bella, what happened?" Edward was looking at me worriedly. He was shirtless and his chest glistened with a sheen of sweat. I wanted him to roll on top of me. That was until a bit of that same sweat dripped off his soaking hair. The mullet to be exact. That was disgusting. It seemed that I was oddly particular from where exactly that sweat came from.

I tried to calm myself down, but I was hyperventilating as I sat up. "You scared me and I killed the flowers! I'm a murderer!"

All the plants had been crushed when I used them to ineffectively break my fall.

"I was trying to cool you down!" He held up a bottle of water that must have been pulled out of a cooler. Droplets of water lazily moved down the plastic like the sweat that was doing the same on his cheek.

"I thought you were a vampire," I admitted in embarrassment.

He looked at me in confusion. "They only come out at night."

"True. It would be pretty dumb if they came out in the sunlight." I looked down at my grubby sneakers. They were covered in dirt. The bright white was now a dusty brown.

"It would be really stupid if they sparkled like disco balls. They do in those stupid books that Alice reads," Edward added. He was probably attempting to ease my embarrassment.

This whole conversation was stupid, but I liked the sound of his voice. It made me feel tingly.

Of course, that's when he got quiet. _We _got quiet. I was trying to avoid looking at his shimmering pectoral muscles. I wanted to lick him.

Oh God, I needed to think of anything else. Baseball could work. I knew nothing about baseball, except I did recall them scratching the front of their tight baseball pants when I watched the games with my dad. Edward's jeans were tight and there was quite a bulge. I wondered if he had anything he needed scratched?

I was losing my mind! Baseball wouldn't work. Elderly women knitting a quilt! I'll think about them. With their blue hair and long sweaters covered in kittens, they would sit and talk about tea. They would all be judging my inappropriate thoughts about Edward and making snide comments about how he needed to cut his hair. I was the only one to want that. It was my mullet! Those no good, old la—

"Bella, baby, what old ladies? Sweet thing, you're overheating! Take this sweatshirt off!" He started to help me undress.

It didn't hit me how bad of an idea this was until I looked down at the threadbare tank top I wore without a bra underneath. I didn't hesitate to throw on whatever I had clean when Edward flashed those bedroom eyes of his at me this morning. Unfortunately, it was laundry day. All I had left were some ratty tank tops, a pair of old shorts and my college sweatshirt that had margarita stains on it. My bras were wet and on top of a drying rack. It was supposed to be chilly today, so I thought the sweatshirt would be sufficient coverage. I was incorrect in my assumption. It was hotter than Hades, because the weatherman is an idiot.

Edward was staring at my breasts. There was some muttering under his breath as he held my upper arms. The sweatshirt now abandoned and on the ground by our feet. Finally, something clear came out of his mouth. "You're going to be the death of me, woman."

"Sorry," I squeaked. He moved closer and I followed suit until our perspiration mingled. I wanted to slip and slide all over him.

"Don't be, baby. It would be the most amazing death ever," His one hand went into my hair and the other pulled me tighter to him as it rested on my butt. "Do you feel that, my Bella?"

I wondered if he was asking about the copious amount of moisture we were both emitting or his erection that was poking me?

"I feel—"

Before I could get the words out of my mouth, Edward and I were blasted by a hose. The ice cold water was a sharp contrast to the heat of the day. I was soaked, even though Edward was trying to shied me from being the hose's target.

"Damn it, Emmett!" Edward yelled. "Turn that goddamn thing off!"

The giant of a man grinned at us. He looked every bit of a reject from some heavy metal tribute band. His mullet was a pulled into the back of a trucker hat in a limp ponytail. It reminded me of the scraggly tail that my grandmother's nasty, old chihuahua that smelled like urine had. That dog was about as bright as a bowl of oatmeal and I was certain that this Emmett guy was too.

"Sorry, little girl, but my lady wanted payback for you trying to pierce my kid's brain." He giggled at a pitch that was way too high for his size. "We're good now."

I pushed past Edward and attempted to apologize even though he and that lady of his were certifiably insane. "I'm truly sorry. I'm new at piercing things and her baby ears were so tiny. Perhaps it would have been better to take her to your physician to—"

"No biggie," He stated, as his gaze landed on my breasts. "Those boobies are some of the mighty finest headlights I've ever seen, little girl. You must be learning about no bras from Janey."

His eyes remained fixed on my boobs. I looked down and saw my nipples poking through my now transparent shirt. Oh my God.

I was too shocked to cover myself, but Edward wrapped his arms around me and placed his palms over my bosom. My back was cradled into his chest. This would have been incredibly sexy if it wasn't for the audience that was gathering.

"Stop looking at my girl!" Edward exclaimed. Emmett just continued his girly giggling.

Jasper ran over and pulled off the Budweiser tee-shirt he wore. "Bella can wear this!"

It was very kind of him. As I tried to wiggle my way into the large shirt, I observed Alice march past him with a picnic basket. She didn't glance in his direction.

"Hey Alice!" He called out.

"Hello," she answered, but looked only at me. "Help me get lunch ready, Bella."

Grabbing my hand, Alice led me toward the picnic tables. I looked back to see Jasper staring at us walking away. Staring at Alice to be exact.

"You listened to me!" I actually squealed. She wore a very pretty, but not obscene, yellow sundress like one of the outfits I suggested. Alice started unpacking the basket nonchalantly, without a care in the world. "He keeps looking over here!"

I had regressed to a boy crazy, gossipy teenager again.

"I did!" Alice gave me a hug, and then continued to unpack sandwiches. "It feels good to finally have some power."

A few minutes later, I heard Jasper ask Alice, "Would you like to get some dinner with me?"

I was just like the matchmaker from _A Fiddler on the Roof_.

"What are you smiling about?" Edward rubbed my shoulders before sitting down to eat.

I watched Jasper sit close to Alice and whisper something in her ear. Her smile was small as she pretended to be unaffected, but there was a bright twinkle in her eye.

"I just love how something can just turn your whole day around," I answered happily.

XXXXXX

That happy feeling had faded quite quickly. I was in a fetal position on my bed wearing a clean tank top and a pair of panties. The shower I took did nothing to alleviate my discomfort from the heat or the ache in my muscles. I wasn't used to such intense physical labor. Note to self, I hate intense physical labor.

The air conditioning was broken. I had found an old floor fan in a closet that was now blowing the humid air on me and a fine dust that I was too lazy to clean off first.

"Baby, what the hell are you doing? I thought you were getting dressed to go to Jane's?" Edward came in drying his hair with one of my dad's faded bath towels, another one was barely wrapped around his waist. The air condition was broken in his house. It seemed that it was a common occurrence for the citizens of Forks. It didn't surprise me in the least that the awful repair man was the giant Emmett.

"I tried. I'm broken. This is far as I've gotten." I lifted my fingers in the air and wiggled them slowly. "It hurts to do this."

It was true. Every movement was an exercise in trying not to weep at the pain.

This was why I liked libraries. The comfy chairs and quiet stillness that was only interrupted by the sound of pages being turned gently. The action would happen in one's mind and not in the real world. It was nice not feeling the uncomfortable aching.

Edward joined me on the bed. His fingers lazily traced up and down my arm

Never mind. Libraries didn't have men with towels becoming slowly unknotted using their hands to stroke you. This was one ache I think I could enjoy if the rest of me wasn't in agony.

He curled his body around mine. I moved my head into his neck and got a mouthful of his hair. I choked on it for a minute and spit it out.

"We need to talk about your hair, Edward! I don't want to tell you to cut it off, but I will suggest it. You aren't my boy—"

"I am your boyfriend," He disagreed.

"Okay then, boyfriend. Your hair is trying to murder me. I think it doesn't wasn't us together," I admitted. I truly believed that.

"Bella, I solemnly promise to someday cut my hair. Not today, because I think this is the perfect way we can learn to love each other with our faults. You can learn to deal with my hair and I can learn to deal with your ugly sweatshirts. I really want to burn them in a bonfire." Edward rolled on top of me. His towel slipped away. Both of my hands went to his bare ass, I dug my fingers into it.

"I'm going to marry you one day, Isabella Swan." He kissed my nose and pushed his erection into me. Hello there, Big Edward.

His dick had momentarily distracted me from his words. "I did the marriage thing. The marriage thing is bad."

"The guy you married was bad. Marriage itself is a good thing. I've been waiting for just the right girl." His fingers traveled into my underwear and moved into me. My panic trumped how good he felt inside of me. The look on my face must clearly showed my feelings, because Edward murmured against my lips. "It will be okay, baby, we'll take it slow. I'm just laying my cards out, so you know our endgame."

"Edward—" I started to pull away.

"Shh. . . Be with me." He covered my mouth with his, as I continued to feel the way the movement of his hands made me come undone.

I pulled the tank top off. "I need you to have sex with me. You keep making me swoon over your words."

"Honey, this will be old fashioned love making." He kissed down my chest and my underwear was quickly removed. He grabbed a condom from his jeans.

"Look at you being romantic again," I joked, as he nipped my neck.

Edward entered me swiftly and I clutched him tightly. It felt perfect.

I groaned, as he moved over me. "At least, I will have this before your mullet asphyxiates me."

"I was thinking a similar thing about you sweatshirt smothering me." He kissed me and pulled away slightly. "I adore you."

"I find you pretty special—" I began, but I was close to the edge. I fisted his mullet in my hands and pulled it tightly.

"Oh Bella!" He roared, collapsing down on me.

It was incredible and we were even sweatier than before.

"Get off her you, fiend!" My bedroom door was thrown open and a sad looking Angela barreled into the room. Her face was streaked with dried tears and her eyes were red. "You're naked! I'm so sorry!"

I pulled a sheet over Edward's naked body. He was shielding mine from my friend. "Ang, this is Edward. Edward, this is Angela."

"I need to go," she sniffed.

"Don't leave, Angie! What happened?" I inquired. Edward tried to roll off of me, but I held him tight. It was uncomfortable, but I didn't want to let him go yet. Plus, I didn't want Angela to get another look at my man.

"Ben is dating one of Victoria's stripper friends! He left me!" She started weeping. "Can I stay here?"

"Sure, but maybe you could go downstairs for a little bit." I motioned toward Edward and I. "We'll be down in a jiffy."

Angela smiled sheepishly and ran downstairs. I was going to destroy Ben. He was as bad as James.

"You're a wonderful friend, Bella," Edward kissed me again. "You can teach our children to be that loving."

I punched him in the chest making him laugh. That was when it hit me.

I was falling in love.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 8

Angela weeping was heartbreaking. The wiping of her snot on my shirt was disgusting. She was a blubbering mess as she held tightly to my waist. Thankfully, the evening air was much cooler. This was suffocating.

"What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? I need a job! Are there any jobs in the school system?" she asked in a rapid speed. Her questions were being fired at me like the bullets of a machine gun.

We were sitting downstairs on my dad's ratty couch and trying to figure out Angela's next move. This was reminiscent of when James left me. I was the snotty mess that was using Angela as a human tissue. She was wonderful to me and I was determined to be that for her.

"My resume is still sitting on a desk somewhere. I did hear of an opening as a lunch lady. What are your thoughts on tater tots?" I teased trying to lighten the mood. Angela shot me a dirty look. "Seriously though, I can talk to Jane and see if she has a waitress opening."

Angela looked hopeful. "Is Jane nice?"

"She's lovely. She will also try to hit on you," I admitted. "There is always the piercing kiosk at the mall. It has an opening now."

This was probably a terrible suggestion. Angela was a daydreamer. She would never be able to concentrate on little marker dots on people's ears. Those poor customers would have piercings everywhere but where they wanted.

Edward walked in carrying a bottle of vodka and shot glasses. He placed the glasses in front of us and started pouring them to the top.

"Trying to get us drunk?" I looked at the shot glasses skeptically.

"This night calls for vodka, baby. Angela here needs alcohol." Edward was about to hand Angela a glass, but instead she laid her head into my lap and started bawling again. "That girl's got it bad."

"I . . . I . . . I . . . Want my Tori Amos CD! Can we listen to _Silent All These Years_, Bella?" Angela asked. Her voice was husky with the mucus filled sadness.

"We need to stay away from sad songs, Ang, Let's listen to Ani DiFranco. We need some angry girl folk music!" I stroked her hair like she did for me. "We are strong, independent women! We don't need men to define us! We are women and hear us roar! Do you remember who said that?"

"Betty Friedan? Gloria Steinem? A press release from the NOW?" Angela sniffed. She blew her nose into the bottom of my shirt. Nasty.

"You did, silly! When James left, you didn't let me wallow. Instead you gave me the strength to get up, pack my things, and find a better place to be. James leaving was the best possible outcome. I had become complacent with my life and you helped me realize that."

"I have no idea what you girls are talking about, but if it's about not letting two assholes hurt the both of you then I'm all for it." He clapped his hands together. "Get drinking, ladies! I'm taking you to Jane's!"

Angela sat up and rubbed her wet eyes with my sleeve. "Where did you find this guy?"

"An _Aerosmith _video. I tried to push him back into the eighties, but he keeps coming here in his DeLorean. It's okay. Edward's growing on me like lichen," I explained, giving him a wink.

Edward snorted at me. "I'm a landscaper, smart ass. I do know what you're talking about. I think you're cute too."

Angela watched us with wide eyes and grabbed two shot glasses. She sucked them down with barely a grimace.

"Ang?" I leaned down next to her.

"You two make me want to drink."

I didn't blame her one bit.

XXXXXX

"Two hot girls roll into town and you're both straight. It's completely unfair." Jane sighed as she poured some beers. "Angela, honey, you sure that you don't like a nice pair of boobs?"

"I like my boobs. Does that count?" Angela slurred. Her eyes were bright with liquid mood enhancer as she leaned over the bar.

"Sure. They're quite perky." My boss took a long glance and sighed. "First Bella hooks up with Mr. Green Thumbs and now you'll probably get it on with Mike Newton."

I looked over to see Mike Newton swaying to Boys II Men in front of the jukebox. I made it my mission to update the music on that thing. It was possible the vintage music player was haunted. There had to be a reason that this was the town where time stood still. It must be the constant playing of eighties heavy metal and nineties R&B.

But I digress, Mike wore his in trademark track suit and gold chains that made him stand out from the crowd. Rumor had it that Mike was so inept, that he had never progressed from his stock boy position at his parents' sporting goods store. I could see his ineptitude clearly in the way his movements resembled an incoherent rhino.

"There was no way she'd ever date him, Janey! Can you believe he was the captain of our football team? No wonder we always lost," Alice trilled. She sat down next to me and nudged me with her shoulder. "I see you've added a new member to our girls' club. Hi Angela! My brother gave me the lowdown. I'm sorry about what happened."

"I need to get laid!" Angela yelled. She raised her beer mug in the air. It became a like a beacon for the sea of men wearing band tee-shirts.

I pulled her arm down. "Angela, cut it out! No rebounds tonight."

"This town doesn't get new blood very often, Angela. The fact the both you and Bella are here is going to be a pretty big draw to the men in town. They're going to be animals. Take it easy, girl," Jane explained. Jacob started to stroll over and she pulled out her baseball bat. He quickly fled when Jane waved it at him. "Old Batman here will keep the wolves at bay."

"I think that I should change my doctorate topic," I muttered in thought.

_The Psychological Draw of New Feminine Hormones on a Primarily Masculine Population and the Effects That it Has on the Social Construct of the Community_ would be a perfect title. It was a bit of a mouthful, but I've seen much worse.

"Bella!" Angela grabbed my face. "Who _is_ that sexy boy?"

I looked around to see Edward playing pool with Jasper. Jacob and Tyler stuffing their faces with hamburgers. Some random headbangers played cards in a booth, while Mike continued dancing his ode to the slow jam. I had no clue to which man my friend was referring to. I asked Angela, "Who the hell are you talking about, drunky?"

"Is it me?" Alec poked his head out of the kitchen to hand his sister an order.

Jane grabbed a sandwich from him and growled, "No, Alec."

"It's him!" Angela squealed. "He's no Bennie, but I need to forget!"

She pointed to a mullet individual wearing a denim jacket with the sleeves cut off. Slowly the person turned and glared at me. To my horror it was—

"Jessica Stanley!" Alice squealed. "That's the lady that punched Bella!"

Angela started laughing hysterically and fell off the stool. She sat on the floor in a pile of peanut shells and continued giggling.

Jessica stomped over and looked down at Angela. "You laughing at me?"

"I thought you were a man!" The giggling continued. Angela admitted, as she was being roughly pulled up by Jessica, "You would make an attractive fellow!"

"I'm going to punch you!" Jessica hissed.

All of a sudden, there was a move to action by our group. I tried to remove Jessica's hands from Angela. Alice made a dash toward Jasper and Edward. Jane grabbed her bat. Jessica elbowed me in the chin. "I have more of that for you, outsider!"

Damn, that hurt!

I wasn't going to take it anymore. I jumped onto Jessica's back and started to pull at that greasy hair of hers. I screamed, "This is self-defense! I shall save you, Angela!"

My attempt at stopping Jessica didn't do much damage, but it caused her to drop Angela. Who, of course, was still full of laughter. Jessica tried to get me off by twisting us around in a circle. I was spinning around like a top and getting extremely dizzy. It was somewhat fun, like the carnival rides I enjoyed when I was young.

All of a sudden, I was pulled off and cradled into Edward's chest. "Jess, will you please leave my girlfriend alone?"

"I'll be damned! Congratulations, dude!" She touched him on the shoulder, letting her hand linger. "Sorry! Ed, you know I get cranky when I drink Bud Light."

Jane came out tapping her baseball bat against her hand. "Stop flirting with Ed and take your bullshit elsewhere, Jessica. Get out of here."

_That_ was flirting?

"Fine, Jane. I'll see you tomorrow." Jessica gave Jane a small salute then discreetly gave me the finger.

I just sighed and tried to get Edward to release me. "Down now. I don't need to be rocked to sleep."

"I'm taking you home, baby. You're a trouble maker." He chuckled and kissed me.

The bar erupted into hoots and hollering of very sexually explicit acts that I would be performing on Edward. I acted offended, but some of them sounded quite promising.

"Angela—"

"Is perfectly fine," he pointed out.

I looked over to see Garrett helping Angela up and kissing her hand.

"He's like Don Juan over there!" I screeched in Edward's ear. "She needs to sleep! Angela's not ready to get laid. She inebriated!"

Angela gazed into Garrett's eyes. "I would just love to get laid."

"Your wish is my command, my—" Garrett began.

"Take her to Charlie's house, Garrett," Edward instructed. "She needs sleep and you can visit her when she's lucid."

"Where are we going?" I inquired.

He kissed my temple. "Home with me. Somebody has to keep you out of trouble."

XXXXXX

I was in bed with Edward.

Naked.

Curled up in his arms and eating strawberry ice cream. It was something that James would balk at. Edward thought it was fun. There was a vitality I had been missing that I found when I was in Edward's presence.

That Tyler had a nifty suggestion with the reverse cowgirl move. I rode Edward like he was a prize bull at the rodeo. Yee haw, partners.

"You are one clumsy girl," Edward stated. His fingers ran through my hair.

"I'm just extremely unlucky." I dripped the ice cream on his chest and I licked it off. I liked his shudder so I did it again. "I think my luck is changing."

"Really? Why is that?" His hand wandered to my breasts and he began to play.

I squirmed. "Hey! I'm eating here!"

"I'm waiting for your answer, woman." His fingers twisted and pulled.

"You."

"I like that answer," Edward stated. He kissed my strawberry lips. "You're my lucky star, Bella Swan."

Fingers twisted and turned. They traveled to sensitive places.

"I think I'm making your bed sticky." I felt the wetness from the bowl that overturned on our joined skin.

"I like being sticky with you." His mouth went from creating words to sucking the melting cream from my belly.

I stifled a moan.

Edward looked up from my stomach and at my face with dark eyes. "Let it out, girl. Your noises are like classical music to me. I sure as fuck don't understand it, but it's damn pretty."

"I don't normally make sounds," I admitted. James liked silence to dominate our lovemaking. Orgasmic expressions were internal.

"I need to hear them, pretty girl." His head traveled down further and further. A nip here. A kiss there. "Here's what I want to taste."

A felt his tongue swirl and mouth suck. James had _never_ done that before.

"God damn! May I have some more, sir? Why has this never happened before?" This all came tumbling out of me in an uncontrollable verbal explosion. "Edward, you give me more! You hear me! I love your mouth!"

"There's my music," he mumbled into my pelvis.

It was a dirty symphony. That was for sure.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hi ya, gang. **

Chapter 9

"You should let me braid it," I suggested. We were sitting under a tree in the park, Edward's head was in my lap, and I was twisting that mullet of his between my fingers. It would be easier to chop it off if it was all contained in one place.

"Do I get to braid yours, too? We can have a slumber party and watch girl movies." He squinted up at me with a grin. "I can think of a couple of things we could do with ice cream, baby."

"Lesbian porn and you licking ice cream off of me? Kind of sticky, but I'm game." I poked him in the nose.

Edward's eyes bugged out of his head and began to choke. I love making him do that.

He gasped, "My parents are right over there!"

"Have you_ met_ your parents, Edward? I think you forget every time they embarrass you. You have parental amnesia when they speak. I bet your mom and dad do naked slip and slide in ice cream. In fact, I think your mom has some fabulous tips for us. I bet they even have some special DVDs for us to watch."

He turned his face into my lap to hide it. I looked over to where his parents had their sexuality table under a pink tent at the farmer's market. It was a table full of sex toys, pamphlets about finding your inner sexual goddess, and a large replica of a woman's uterus. They even had hula hoops scattered around to attract people to the table. Unfortunately, they were only attracting children with the hoops.

"Do you think that little boy will stop trying to poke the uterus with his cotton candy? I'm thinking this image is pretty disturbing to just about everyone," I continued.

The little boy wore a Mariner's baseball cap low over his blond curls. His tee-shirt was covered in jelly and he was singing some rap song while whacking that pretend reproductive organ. The other children had stopped their hula hooping and were staring in rapt attention at the cotton candy pummeling. Carlisle used the ruckus to give an impromptu lesson in the biology of reproduction.

Edward groaned into my lap.

"That felt pretty good, buckaroo. Should I ask your dad why your mouth makes my womanly parts tingle?" I asked with a snort. Edward turned around and glared at me. "Seriously though, why are no adults stopping this?"

He explained, "They're the town's lovable eccentrics. They get away with more than most people."

My father was laughing hysterically nearby. I guess they did get away with a lot.

"You want to buy some peaches?" I was gathering up that crazy hair of his in my hand. "I saw a stand that some great specimens."

"Woman, you're trying to figure out a way to cut my hair again?" He looked at me with a half-hearted scowl. The beginning of a smile was showing.

"Always. If I had some nail scissors in my purse, you'd be in big trouble." I kissed his forehead and pushed him off of me. "I have a hankering for juicy fruit. Let's go, mister."

Edward kissed me hard. He pulled away slowly and stroked my cheek. "I can think of some juicy fruit I want to enjoy."

I started laughing so hard, I was hyperventilating. Edward rubbed my back and cooed, "Calm down, baby."

"You're as bad as your parents!" I cackled.

"Stop it." He stopped touching me and crossed his arms.

My giggles resumed. "I have no idea how you can be embarrassed of them. You kinkiness is obviously genetic."

He continued to pout. I calmed down enough and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm teasing and you think I'm adorable."

"You're right about me being like my parents. You're also correct about being adorable." He pulled me against his chest and nuzzled my neck. "You make my life so much fun, Bella Swan."

Fingers laced together, we headed toward the tables of produce and handmade goods that filled the park. There was old Miss Cope who made handmade soaps surrounded by her twenty cats. The soaps smelled faintly of kitty litter. Mr. Molina had a table full of hand carved garden gnomes that looked somewhat sinister with their narrowed eyes. There was the rival butchers of Paul Smith and that giant Emmett. They were glaring at each other over large slabs of meat.

I had thought he was a repairman. If he was as competent a butcher as he was a repairman, we would all die from botulism or pathogenic bacteria. We would skip that area of the market. It was safer.

Edward led me over to a different stand than where I was originally heading to. The fruits and vegetables were beautiful. The variety of colors reminded me of a rainbow. I would have loved to admire the produce more and suggestively fondle them in front of Edward, but there was a fight underway.

Jasper was holding Alice away from a shouting woman with dark hair. Her dress was tight and red. She was speaking so quickly that I couldn't understand a single word she was uttering.

"Maria, just go home!" Jasper pleaded. He was barely holding onto the flailing Alice. She was a small girl, but all muscle. The way Alice was twisting and turning was pretty impressive. "Alice, love, calm down."

"She said I was a mouse! That you were sleeping with a disease riddled rodent!" Alice screamed.

"Don't listen to her, my love! Making sweet love to you while listening to Warrant is the highlight of my life!" Jasper declared. "You are my sweet, cherry pie!"

Oh my God, he's ridiculous. It was also romantic. Edward made me a sucker for this love stuff.

The woman squealed, "I want my man back, pipsqueak!"

Alice started crying. "You want her back, Jasper? I won't stop you."

The way Jasper looked at Alice when she collapsed in her brother's arms, made it apparent that he only loved only one person. It was only Alice Cullen that he saw with loving eyes.

"Alice Cullen, you are everything to me!" he pleaded.

There was only one thing to be done. This was all Edward's fault. He made me a happily ever after girl.

"You lose. Leave right now." I stood in front of her with a frown.

Maria fluffed her hair and scoffed. "And who are you?"

"I am Edward's girlfriend, Alice is Jasper's girlfriend, and no one is interested in you." I pointed toward the parking lot. "Go away. I'm sure you can make a nice profile on one of those dating sites."

She didn't budge. "You are too weird looking for Edward. Is he sad for you? Is that why he brought you here? To be nice?"

"She's beautiful! I love everything about this woman!" Edward disagreed. He whipped me around and planted a knee weakening kiss upon my lips. He was my badly coiffed Prince Charming.

He released me and I whispered, "Wow!"

"Wow to you, baby." He hugged me tight.

"You two are disgusting!" Maria stomped her foot.

We continued to stare at each other and said in unison, "Thank you!"

There was a huff behind us. We turned to see Maria stumble over the grass in her high heels. She called out behind her, "This isn't over yet, Jasper!"

"Have a good life, Maria," Jasper replied, then grabbed Alice and kissed her with all his power.

I looked around us and saw the rest of the market goers continue shopping and they were not glancing in our direction. The angry voices didn't even faze them. "Is fighting in the air in this town? I've never been involved in so many confrontations in my life! I think we need to do some chemical testing of the water supply."

"I think love is in the air," he replied. Edward motioned toward Garrett who was giving Angela a piggyback ride near a jewelry table.

"I'll be damned. Ang moves fast." I watched her happy face. Her laughter echoed through the park.

"I think I have a fun idea with some strawberries and peaches." He wiggled his eyebrows.

I had to laugh. "Like mother like son. I think I saw that maneuver in one of her pamphlets."

"I resemble that remark." He popped a berry in his mouth and kissed me again.

It tasted like happiness.


End file.
